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Back Suzy Suzy Save as PDF
Chapters (90)
  1. Cover
  2. By the same author
  3. SUZY SUZY
  4. Copyright
  5. Contents
  6. Glossary of Dialect Terms
  7. 1
  8. 2
  9. 3
  10. 4
  11. 5
  12. 6
  13. 7
  14. 8
  15. 9
  16. 10
  17. 11
  18. 12
  19. 13
  20. 14
  21. 15
  22. 16
  23. 17
  24. 18
  25. 19
  26. 20
  27. 21
  28. 22
  29. 23
  30. 24
  31. 25
  32. 26
  33. 27
  34. 28
  35. 29
  36. 30
  37. 31
  38. 32
  39. 33
  40. 34
  41. 35
  42. 36
  43. 37
  44. 38
  45. 39
  46. 40
  47. 41
  48. 42
  49. 43
  50. 44
  51. 45
  52. 46
  53. 47
  54. 48
  55. 49
  56. 50
  57. 51
  58. 52
  59. 53
  60. 54
  61. 55
  62. 56
  63. 57
  64. 58
  65. 59
  66. 60
  67. 61
  68. 62
  69. 63
  70. 64
  71. 65
  72. 66
  73. 67
  74. 68
  75. 69
  76. 70
  77. 71
  78. 72
  79. 73
  80. 74
  81. 75
  82. 76
  83. 77
  84. 78
  85. 79
  86. 80
  87. 81
  88. 82
  89. About William Wall
  90. An Invitation from the Publisher

Like my mam never goes outside unless it is to get into her car. Even when she exercises, which starts every January and ends in March, she goes to the gym. The gym is in a hotel and she drives into the underground car park and takes the lift. I don’t think she ever breathes un-air-conditioned air except at home, like office (aircon) => car (aircon) => lift (aircon) => gym (aircon). Like I googled it and there was a study which showed that the air in gyms contains unacceptable levels of dust, formaldehyde and CO2 and the levels were higher than most legal standards of air quality indoors. I’m waiting for my mam to get a respiratory disease which is linked to formaldehyde. I googled that too. She would be the fittest person in the world to die because she couldn’t breathe. Of natural causes anyway.

Her company had a cyber attack. She said someone was trying to steal their intellectual property. Like, Hello, Mam, what’s intellectual about property? They were freaking about it and her job was to calm them down.

I texted Serena and told her about the Bowles guy stopping. I said we were in trouble. Serena texted back: b4 I tell u anything u need to promes not to tell a sole ☺.

Serena is shit at English and even shitter at text. I texted back: WTF are u talking about?

She replied, SHOUTY CAPS MUCH.

I just sent her a smiley face.

The phone rang immediately. It was her.

Serena: I know where your brother was.

Me: I don’t want to know.

Serena: (Silence).

Me: Is that what you called me for?

Serena: (obviously pissed at me) I thought you wanted to know?

Me: Like if you’re calling to tell me it must be bad news.

Serena: And I have a contact on alt.com. He’s twenty-five and he’s into the same kinks as me exactly and he’s really good-looking he sent me his pic and we’re going to meet up when he comes down which he does because he’s a salesman.

Me: Jesus wept. Have you nothing at all between your ears?

Serena: He goes up to Ballyshane.

Me: The fucking salesman?

Serena: Tony.

Me: How do you know?

Serena: So now you want to know?

Me: Fuck off, Serena.