They told me this on the Saturday after the accident, they came over to my house to play Minecraft with my brother and while they were waiting for him they told me the whole story. Engineers love Minecraft, in my humble opinion they are the most boring in the world, worse than medicine. So my brother left the pub about nine and at four a.m. he drove through a fence on a bend in the road and fell down into a field and the car rolled over twice and when it stopped he got out and walked home and went to bed. What did he do in the meantime and where did he go? Someone said they thought he spent a couple of hours driving around, diffing and doing donuts. It’s possible. My brother is a maniac. But I don’t think it’s what he did. Like I should ask him, but we don’t talk a lot. Nobody in my family talks. We are secret agents.

So I asked Tosser. He said he already asked him: Like, where did you go, Tony? And my brother goes, None of your fucking business, Tosser.

And that was that.

Subtle, I said, you really applied psychology to that one.

He laughed, Guess why they call me Tosser?

Tosser is all right but he’s a certified knobhead. Once he used to have a rear-wheel drive Beamer and he used to go diffing and stuff. When we’d see a set of donuts somewhere on the road my brother would say, Tosser was on the rantan last night. Everybody said Tosser was a knobhead and would end up dead, but he just grew out of it. He was one hundred per cent langer until he was about eighteen. My mam used to hate him but now she is all right about him. But Tosser is actually a softie, I don’t know what kind of an engineer he’ll make. Like you’re supposed to be all logic and calculation and hard. He is into the environment too. I said, You’re in the wrong business, Tosser, you’re going to spend your life destroying environments! He thought that was hilarious.

I guess I’m sort of a mascot for my brother’s friends. It’s hard to get taken seriously.