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Chapters (90)
  1. Cover
  2. By the same author
  3. SUZY SUZY
  4. Copyright
  5. Contents
  6. Glossary of Dialect Terms
  7. 1
  8. 2
  9. 3
  10. 4
  11. 5
  12. 6
  13. 7
  14. 8
  15. 9
  16. 10
  17. 11
  18. 12
  19. 13
  20. 14
  21. 15
  22. 16
  23. 17
  24. 18
  25. 19
  26. 20
  27. 21
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  30. 24
  31. 25
  32. 26
  33. 27
  34. 28
  35. 29
  36. 30
  37. 31
  38. 32
  39. 33
  40. 34
  41. 35
  42. 36
  43. 37
  44. 38
  45. 39
  46. 40
  47. 41
  48. 42
  49. 43
  50. 44
  51. 45
  52. 46
  53. 47
  54. 48
  55. 49
  56. 50
  57. 51
  58. 52
  59. 53
  60. 54
  61. 55
  62. 56
  63. 57
  64. 58
  65. 59
  66. 60
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  73. 67
  74. 68
  75. 69
  76. 70
  77. 71
  78. 72
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  80. 74
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  82. 76
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  84. 78
  85. 79
  86. 80
  87. 81
  88. 82
  89. About William Wall
  90. An Invitation from the Publisher

That was just because you wanted to find out what it was like, you have a baby kink.

So yeah. I went through a phase where I was dreaming about being pregnant and having babies. I was like totally obsessed with it. I used to go to mother and baby websites and look up personal stories. But if you google it you’ll find it’s not as good as they say. Families of addiction. Your child is vaccine injured: a personal story. Cleft lip and cleft palate: a mother’s story. Fragile X syndrome: one mother’s story. Shaken baby syndrome. I was abandoned by my mother. One mother’s personal tragedy. Secret thoughts of an abusive mother. I decided, considering my own family circumstances in which I can’t stand to be in the same room as my mam, my dad is more or less a waste of space and my brother is weird, that I should give motherhood a miss. Because genetics. This was when I was fifteen and everything looked easy. I was all over Mumsnet reading about The Joys Of Pregnancy. I had reached Peak Baby. I even used the online Ovulation Calculator. Up until then I didn’t even know I was ovulating. Like why would you ovulate if you’re not married? Fifteen year olds are weird. When Serena was fifteen she used to think that 1D was better than the Beatles or even Def Leppard. I never listened to Def Leppard except I watched a couple of videos on YouTube just to see, but Serena says they are awesome. Tbh if Serena likes them they must be shit. Especially if 1D is better than them. Serena was and still probably is a Directioner. Except now she’s undercover. Directioners are crazy. It’s like a religion and they don’t talk about it to Non-Directioners. It’s like a secret cult. Like if you tell the secrets of Directioners you must die some horrible death.

My big mistake was telling Serena about the baby phase. I’d swear she had a little black book for stuff like that. A secret diary.

I wanted her to tell me about the sex but all she said was it was amazing.

Like, I totally expected it to be amazing but I wanted to know how it was amazing. She wouldn’t tell me. She wouldn’t even tell me if it hurt the first time. If you google does losing my virginity hurt you will get two hundred and thirty-one thousand hits. I asked her and she just looked stupid and said, Amaaaazing. When Serena puts on a Dreamy Look it’s just a stupid face. I always want to punch her. She thinks it’s Romantic. I try to tell her she looks like Miley Cyrus but with her tongue inside her mouth. She takes it as a compliment. I give up.