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Chapters (90)
  1. Cover
  2. By the same author
  3. SUZY SUZY
  4. Copyright
  5. Contents
  6. Glossary of Dialect Terms
  7. 1
  8. 2
  9. 3
  10. 4
  11. 5
  12. 6
  13. 7
  14. 8
  15. 9
  16. 10
  17. 11
  18. 12
  19. 13
  20. 14
  21. 15
  22. 16
  23. 17
  24. 18
  25. 19
  26. 20
  27. 21
  28. 22
  29. 23
  30. 24
  31. 25
  32. 26
  33. 27
  34. 28
  35. 29
  36. 30
  37. 31
  38. 32
  39. 33
  40. 34
  41. 35
  42. 36
  43. 37
  44. 38
  45. 39
  46. 40
  47. 41
  48. 42
  49. 43
  50. 44
  51. 45
  52. 46
  53. 47
  54. 48
  55. 49
  56. 50
  57. 51
  58. 52
  59. 53
  60. 54
  61. 55
  62. 56
  63. 57
  64. 58
  65. 59
  66. 60
  67. 61
  68. 62
  69. 63
  70. 64
  71. 65
  72. 66
  73. 67
  74. 68
  75. 69
  76. 70
  77. 71
  78. 72
  79. 73
  80. 74
  81. 75
  82. 76
  83. 77
  84. 78
  85. 79
  86. 80
  87. 81
  88. 82
  89. About William Wall
  90. An Invitation from the Publisher

My brother had a friend called John Brown who was actually brown. His grandfather was French and he married an Algerian woman. Like his father came from Algeria. He was an aircraft engineer, but he died in a tragic and ironic accident with a Flymo lawnmower. He got electrocuted. Some people call John Nigger Brown but I hate that kind of racist shit. John Brown is so sweet. Whenever he comes to see my brother he Talks To Me For Five Minutes. When I was thirteen I was in love with John Brown but then he got a girlfriend and I decided that I couldn’t be in love with him because it would be like home-breaking. Not many big boys will talk to a girl for five minutes. He would come into my house and see me sitting at the kitchen table doing my homework and he’d come over and sit beside me.

What are you working on?

Sums.

This was in Primary when we said Sums instead of Maths. I would be like doing long division or something. Our teacher hated calculators. She said, You can’t use a calculator when you’re buying three ice-creams and three cokes and you’ll never know if you got the right change. Yeah, well, I can add in my head and you don’t need long division to work out the cost of three ice-creams and three cokes. But anyway, she had a point. Just, most of the people in my class used calculators at home anyway, their parents didn’t care. Holly used one. She was useless where calculations were concerned, although she was pretty good at estimating, which we were supposed to do too but I couldn’t be arsed. I’d just put down the right answer and then write down a wrong answer that was close enough.

He goes, Oh, long division. Serious stuff.

Like he went to college to do Engineering. And even then he was top of his class for Maths. He used to do my brother’s homework. So I knew he was just being nice to me, and when people are nice to me I nearly always cry. Like I cry at the IKEA ad, the one where all the clothes fly through the little boy’s bedroom window and land all folded in the IKEA storage modules? As soon as I see the little boy standing at the window looking out I cry. So then it was, What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Sometimes he’d give me a big hug. Aw.