I think a good thing to do if you are stuck in the roleplay section of a job interview is to shout 'BEAR!' and pretend a giant bear has just stormed into the office. This will not only distract the interviewer, but also show them how you would deal with the crisis of a bear storming into their office, and when they're deciding on who to give the job to, you will definitely have made an impression, because who wants a bear storming into their office when there's no one to deal with it?

You can also do this with birds, if the office is a small one.

SUNDAY

My granddad used to say that it is good to reach out and touch people, but ultimately it was just that attitude that led to his arrest.

SUMMER

THE GATECRASH

I am throwing a small summer party in a fancy bar with my friend, Paul. We have rented a room, created a guest list, bought some champagne, and ordered some canapes. We are excited.

And then our friends and loved ones start to arrive. His friends congregate on one side of the room. My friends congregrate on another. Gradually, as the champagne flows, they begin to intermingle.

I turn to see an impressed-looking Colin.

'Hey, what's GMTV's Richard Arnold doing here?' he asks. 'Is he a friend of yours?'

I frown, confused.

'GMTV's Richard Arnold?' I say. 'Where?'

'There!'

Colin points at a man sitting at a table in the corner. It is indeed GMTV's Richard Arnold. What on earth is GMTV's Richard Arnold doing here?

'Well, that's strange,' I say. 'I don't remember Paul saying he knew GMTV's Richard Arnold. Perhaps he's here to do a soap update, or offer some opinions on this week's Animal Park.'

I shrug, and decide to ignore it, but I am secretly pleased. After all, GMTV's Richard Arnold has made the effort to turn up, and he has brought with him all the glitz and glamour of early-morning television. This, I realise, makes the party look good. It is now, thanks to GMTV's Richard Arnold, London's hottest minor-celebrity-based party. Every now and again, I cast a glance to the table in the corner, which now has some of our canapes on it, and I make sure that he is having a good time. He is laughing at something another stranger has said, and rocking his head back and forth.

Paul's a dark horse, I think, shaking my head. Inviting GMTV's Richard Arnold without telling me!

And then Paul is upon me.

'Your mate just blanked me,' he says.

'Which mate?' I say, appalled. It would not be like one of my friends to blank anyone - even Paul, who is a bit drunk and has mayonnaise on his lip.

'GMTV's Richard Arnold,' he says. 'He blanked me.'