I take my goods to the counter, and steel myself for interaction with more locals, but my server's name is Tom and he speaks excellent English. I kick myself as I realise I am bereft of local currency, but Tom points at the chip and pin machine and so I reach for my Mastercard. He smiles. I wonder briefly if he has seen a Mastercard before; whether these simple, smiling people will understand how a piece of grey plastic can pay for a Time Out guide and a copy of Grazia. Perhaps, like C3PO in that jungle, Tom will start worshipping me as a god, but no, for he is looking away now, and finishing his McMuffin, so I guess we will never know.

I begin my long walk back down the high street towards the hotel and briefly I fear I am lost. But there, just across the car park ... is that a mirage? No. It is the Marriott.

I slide my room key into the slot in the lift and up we go, right the way up, on and on, all the way up to the third floor.

I creep into my room, just as my wife is waking.

'I've had quite an adventure,' I tell her, stroking her head gently.

'That's nice,' she says.

I flick on the telly, and find Sky News. I forgot to get breakfast, so order a full English from room service, and hand my wife that week's Grazia.

Outside, it starts to rain, gently. I smile, and shake my head.

Man, it is so good to get away.

THE WISDOM AND PHILOSOPHIES OF A MODERN MAN: 2

MONDAY

I think a great job to have would be as a door-to-door door salesman, because how do you convince someone who's just answered their door that they need a door? You don't. You just take the day off.

TUESDAY

I think a good way to make the show Gladiators more exciting would be to give all the contestants little dogs to run around with while playing their games. It would be a real challenge for the dogs to make it upside-down around the Skytrak, and I bet it'd be funny when all the leashes got caught up in the Gladiators' feet.

Also, all the dogs are rabid, everyone has a gun, and it all takes place in space.

WEDNESDAY

The moment I realised Facebook probably wasn't for me was when this sentence popped up to greet me.

Lee Phillips has removed Young Guns II from his Top Ten Movies.