'So Will looks at his drink, and says, "Did I order this?",' I say, and now I can see the end in sight, and I know my wife must be so pleased this is nearly over. 'And the waiter looks at him ... '

I fix my eyes on my tiny audience, who I'm certain are willing me on, fascinated by my tale, and I'm momentarily encouraged, and then one of them says, 'Is Knutsford in Cheshire?', and then the four of them all start talking about Cheshire and Stockport and Wrexham and Crewe, and I stand there, mere inches from the punchline, ready for the big finish, a broken, humiliated man.

And then I feel a hand on my arm, and I turn, and my pregnant wife is looking at me with her big eyes, and she smiles and says, 'Go on ...'

And so I tell the whole rest of the story to a woman who's heard it more times than me.

And at the end, she laughs.

And that, my friend, is what love is.

THE WISDOM AND PHILOSOPHIES OF A MODERN MAN: 4

SUNDAY

I'll tell you what I like.

I like it when people look at modern art and pompously ask, 'Yes, but is it art?' Therefore I have decided to try and win the Turner Prize, so I can witness it firsthand.

I will place a very smooth and shiny white pebble in a huge room, lit by a single spotlight.

And on the pebble will be a sentence. And this sentence will be written entirely in Braille.

It will say 'Do Not Touch'.

MONDAY

I think the main reason I detest the personalised address book industry is that when you think about it, it's all about who you know.

TUESDAY

Customer service in this country is going from strength to strength.

Last night, a waiter asked me if everything was all right with my dinner.

'It's excellent,' I said. 'Although this wine is a bit runny.'

He looked at my glass.

'I'm so sorry about that, would you like me to replace it?'

I thought about saying yes, but didn't want to cause a fuss, so shut up, and drank my runny wine.

WEDNESDAY

I think if I ever worked for the Sun, it would mainly be so I could start describing archaeologists as Coffin Boffins.

THURSDAY

I had a dream last night.

It has made me realise that possibly my favourite dreams have to be the ones where something really crazy and unbelievable happens and then just when it seems it can't get any more crazy or unbelievable, I wake up ... and it was all just a dream.

Man, I'll never get bored of that twist.

FRIDAY

'It's just so hard starting a charity,' said the posh lady at the bar, wearily, while my wife stood nearby.

'What's the charity?' asked the barman.

'Oh, bears,' she said.

'What type of bears?' he asked.