'Also,' he says, 'we should talk papooses. BabyBjorn is one way to go, but let's not forget the Bushbaby Cocoon ...'

He raises his eyebrows at me. I look at him.

'You spend a lot of time here at lunchtimes, don't you?'

'I do, sir!' he says, draining his pint, and looking rather proud. 'I certainly do.'

WIVES

'So,' I say to my friends, 'I've invited my pal Steve along.'

We're waiting to be seated in a nice Chinese restaurant where the waiters call you sir. I'm with my wife and another couple, and so far the conversation has included wrestling and Christmas.

And then, from somewhere behind me, I hear him.

'Hey there!'

I turn and there he is, standing proudly, and smiling. He's been waiting in the bar and he's carrying a huge gin and tonic.

'Steve!' I say. 'Hi!'

But he doesn't say anything to me, because he's already hugging my friend's wife, tightly. This is strange. He has never met my friend's wife before.

The hug continues, and he is beaming while he does it. The rest of us fall silent. This really is lasting a little too long. My friend's wife stands stiffly, and I catch Paul looking concerned.

'So good to see you!' says Steve, finally releasing her from the hug and then kissing her on the cheek. 'How are you?'

'I'm ... fine!' she says, a little taken aback.

'How have you been? What are you up to?'

'Oh ...' she says. 'Different ... things.'

There's a slight lull while Steve still stares into her eyes, grinning.

'Um, Steve,' I say. 'This is Paul.'

He turns and shakes Paul's hand and introduces himself politely, before turning back to my friend's wife and giving her a matey punch on the arm.

And then, after another awkward silence, he looks at me. And he turns to see who else is here.

And he spots my wife.

My wife. Standing next to me.

He glances quickly at my friend's wife, and then back at mine. Something explodes behind his eyes.

'Heeeeey,' he says, biding for time, but I know exactly what's happened. He thought my friend's wife was mine.

They're both little, and they're both brunette, and they both dress the same, but even so, mixing them up is a little embarrassing. Particularly in such a high-energy way. I am the only one to have twigged so far. Paul still stands there, blinking, wondering why this man has been hugging his wife so much and then punching her on the arm.