I think a nice thing to do is to contradict demeaning graffiti. How horrible for someone named Jake, for example, to walk into a pub toilet and see the words 'Jake Smells!' written on the wall. Which is why I always write 'No he does not!' underneath something like this. It gives me a nice warm feeling inside. Although to achieve that nice warm feeling, I sometimes also have to write the words 'Jake Smells!' Still, I think karma-wise, things are pretty even, so who's complaining?

Just Jake, and that's rich, because he stinks.

TUESDAY

I bet a good way to keep people on their toes is to tell them you've got a special carpet which will electrocute their heels.

WEDNESDAY

I have started playing Xbox on-line. It is good, because you get to talk to all sorts of different people from around the world. Well, I say 'all sorts of different people'. You get to talk to nerds or very aggressive people. One of them tried to start a fight with me. 'You wouldn't mess with me if you saw me!' he shouted. 'I'm six foot six"!'

'Yeah?' I retaliated. 'Well, I'm six foot six and a half!'

'I weigh two hundred and forty pounds!' he shouted.

'I'm two hundred and forty-one pounds!' I yelled.

'Where do you live?' he shouted.

'North London!' I yelled back.

'Me too!' he said.

I switched the Xbox off and drew my curtains.

THURSDAY

You know what? If I had to decide whether I would be a dog with wings, or a cat who could talk, I would be the dog with wings, because if there were dogs with wings, that's all cats would talk about anyway, and surely it's better to be up there in the sky, having fun and being talked about, than a cat who just sits there, bitching?

That's what I think anyway. You probably have your own thoughts.

FRIDAY

My wife recently paid good money to adopt a puppy on my behalf I now receive regular updates from a puppy who has somehow learnt to write and post letters herself. Her name is Joanna and she has, so far, sent me several pictures which demonstrate exactly how my wife's £5 a month has improved her life. In some of them, she is playing with a small colourful ball, which I like to think we have provided.

All was well, until I was round at my mate's flat, and saw a picture of a familiar-looking dog sellotaped to his fridge.

'How do you know this dog?' I demanded.

Turns out Joanna has been spreading it around, the little bitch. I doubt she even wrote those letters.

SATURDAY