When I wake, I eat an organic carrot baton and decide I quite like having rules. And then I sit on the sofa and wait for my wife to come home, so we can watch The Apprentice together.

STAGEFRIGHT

My friend Graham once told me that if you're ever standing at a urinal and you find yourself suddenly unable to let go, you should not panic. Panicking is the very worst thing you can do at that point. Apart from looking at the man next to you and saying 'I can't pee!'.

No, he said, what you need to do is use everything within you to picture in your mind's eye yourself in full flow ... before you imagine turning and peeing on the trousers and shoes of the man next to you.

And it works. It works very well.

But right now, it wasn't working.

I didn't know what it was. I'd been imagining peeing on the shoes of the man next to me for what seemed like hours.

I'd entered the toilets full of hope, and optimism, and, more importantly, beer. This was standard procedure. I'd peed literally dozens of times before. I knew how to do it, and I considered myself bloody good at it. OK, I'm no professional, but you'd be hard pressed to find a keener amateur. I practise every day.

But there was just something about the timing of this situation that had been off. I'd arrived just as the man next to me - the only other man present - was doing really well, polishing off an expert pee that was now reaching its final, dramatic act and building towards a powerful conclusion. Somehow, starting to pee now would be rude; like I was some young upstart attempting to upstage a master. But then he finished with a flourish and subconsciously handed me the baton. Which I assure you is not a euphemism.

I felt now was my time. Everything was in place - me, the urinal, everything. The man left and I was free to begin, alone and at peace.

But nothing was happening. Never mind. Just relax. Relax. Relax and let nature take its course. I let my eyes wander towards the ceiling. By which I mean I looked up, not that I have magic, walking eyes.

But still nothing. What was going on?

And then: a controversial event.

Someone walked in. I didn't turn round. I just concentrated on what I had to do. But I was unnerved. Any progress I'd been making had been instantly beaten back.