'Maybe he thinks I'm Danny Glover,' I said, and then, because I felt I was being rude to the man, I pointed at the phone, rolled my eyes, and mouthed the word 'Sorry!'

'I'm going to have to walk away,' I said. 'He's just standing there ...'

And then, as I'd started to move away, the man pointed at the pub behind him and mouthed the word ... 'Pint?'

And because I didn't know what else to do, I nodded. Gah.

The man gave a double thumbs-up and dashed inside.

'You can't go for a drink with him!' said Colin. 'You don't even know his name!'

'I have to be polite,' I said. 'Politeness is important.'

And then I closed my eyes, hung up, and walked into the pub.

'So - how've you been?' said the man, handing me my pint.

'Oh gosh,' I said. 'I'm good! Yes. You?'

'Yes! You know me ...'

I just smiled, because actually, I didn't.

'And how's ... work?' I said. Oh God. What if he didn't have a ... work?

'Well, you can imagine,' he said. 'Not the happiest job in the world!'

He laughed a lot at this, and because I didn't know what else to do, I did too.

Why can't I just tell this bloke I have no idea who he is? I thought. Why did I have to be polite?

'So, I was just trying to think ... when was the last time I saw you?'

It was a brilliant piece of strategy. If we had met before - if this man did know me - I'd be able to start to place him ...

'Tuesday,' he said, confused.

Tuesday?!, I thought, confused.

'Yeah, no, obviously Tuesday. I mean, before Tuesday. When did we meet before Tuesday?'

'We'd never met before Tuesday,' he said, slowly.

'Yeah,' I said, inexplicably.

'I'm the bloke who did your will,' he explained.

'I know!' I said, hoping to convince him I'd known all along.

'My gosh ...'

'Who did you think I was?'

I took a sip of my pint.

'I thought you might think I was Danny Glover.'

I decided, later, I was glad I had my will sorted, and that maybe I should stop being so polite.

Because, in the words of the black actor from the Lethal Weapons films, I was getting too old for this shit.

COCAINE

I have overslept. Right now, right this very second, I am supposed to be in the lobby of a swanky London hotel waiting for an American man to come down from his room so we can have breakfast together.