The American thought he knew what we're like over here, but even he must have been surprised to learn that we all seem to eat cocaine before breakfast. I only hope he doesn't now think that's what 'I had a Nando's' means.

I wash my face.

LIES

I am caught off guard by a question I didn't see coming. 'You still on for tomorrow?'

'Tomorrow?' I ask.

'Yeah - my birthday?'

Oh, blimey. Tomorrow? Tom's birthday? But I'm so tired! I want to sit around in my pants and watch bad TV! I'd planned it!

'Ah!' I say, trying to buy time.

'Ah?' he says.

'I'm so sorry - I meant to tell you - I'm not going to be able to make it!'

I make a sorry face and shrug. Tom has always been cool about these things. Always the first to say, 'Hey, no worries - next time!' But what I see before me is a new Tom. A Tom who looks at me with hurt and soulful eyes.

'Why?' he says, pained.

Just say you'll go, I think. Look at him! But it is too late. I'm in too deep. I've said I can't. And so I say ...

'I'm actually going to be in Turkey.'

Tom just stares at me.

'Turkey?' says Colin, in the pub, later that night. 'Why did you tell him you were going to Turkey?'

'I panicked!' I say. 'He looked so hurt! I had to make it good!'

'But ... Turkey? Couldn't you have just said your parents were visiting? Or that you had some work to finish?'

I think about it. That would have worked, yes.

'Have you ever even been to Turkey? Where did you say you were going in Turkey?'

'The capital,' I say.

'Which is?'

'That's what he asked, and I couldn't remember, so I said it was actually just outside the capital - a village about an hour away that I couldn't really pronounce.'

'And what did you say you were doing in this village about an hour from the capital of Turkey?'

'I said it was an impulse buy. That my wife had always wanted to go to this village an hour outside of the capital of Turkey.'

'Who goes on impulse trips to villages about an hour away from the capital of Turkey? He'll know you're lying!'

'I know! But once I'd started, he just kept looking all hurt, so I had to embellish! I said they make these little silver thimbles there that she wanted to buy for her mum!'

'So her mum collects little silver Turkish thimbles? And you have to collect them in person? You have to remember that for the rest of your life! Whenever Tom's around you'll have to mention little silver thimbles! Where are you flying from?'

'Eh?'