He turns and sees me staring at him, lost in furious thought, but I don't have my scowl ready, so I just look a bit odd. He turns away again.

'Five hot chocolate ... Box of ... '

Look at him. Look at how rude he's being. All he had to do was ask me if I minded. Or shoot me an apologetic glance. But no. Oh no, Mr Grumpy Chef has his important Yorkies to order. I feel like pushing him into a big box of anti-bacterial wipes. And then pouring fifteen tiny cans of Pepsi all over him. Look at his stupid jacket and his silly face. I'm going to get him. When we get off the train, I'm going to get him. I'm going to wipe the rest of this sandwich all over his hair and then shout 'Brrrrread!' at him for ten minutes. That'd show him. I'm a customer! This is an outrage'.

'And that completes the order for the service,' he says. 'Thank you!'

He hangs up, and then puts his phone in his pocket.

Maybe I could trip him up as he walks past and then sit on his shoulders and press pretzels into his ears.

His eyes scan the list, and he taps his lip with his pen as he makes sure he hasn't forgotten anything. He probably has, the big idiot. Satisfied, he puts it away, and starts to walk back towards my table. This is it. This is my moment. My moment to show him just how angry he's made me. To shame him into becoming a better Briton. I get my scowl ready.

'Sorry about that,' he says. 'I couldn't get a signal out there!'

'That's OK!' I say, smiling brightly.

That was nice of him.

SPIT

I am with a small group of strangers at an industry party and I can only hope that none of them has noticed what's just happened. But they have. I can tell that they have.

The man in front of me - who I have only just met - was telling a funny story about a car he'd just bought. We had all laughed and rocked our heads back in appreciation. And then I had thought of something funny to say.

'If that's true,' I said, smiling in anticipation of their excellent reactions, 'surely someone's seen it!'

It was a killer line. One woman may as well have slapped her thigh, seeming as she did hugely appreciative of my wise thoughts, which she should have been, as I was not charging.