'You just said every man needs a catchphrase. Hey. How about "Wotchoo talkin' 'bout Wallace?" I could say "Wotchoo talkin' 'bout Wallace?" whenever I've just said something a little silly! Or if I was going to introduce a new topic of conversation! "Wotchoo talkin' 'bout Wallace? Well, I'm talking about speedboats!"'

'It's a little too similar to "Wotchoo talkin' 'bout Willis?", which is the catchphrase from the sitcom Diff'rent Strokes' says my friend.

'I know,' I say. 'That's why it's good!'

My friend shakes his head.

We walk on in silence, and I spot a man leaning against a lamppost.

'What about "Stand easy"?' I say. 'I could walk into places and say, "Stand easy!" If someone's getting too excitable or angry, I could say, "Hey, you! Stand easy!"'

I am proud of myself. 'Stand easy' is a brilliant catchphrase. "'Stand easy" is a bit similar to "Easy now",' says my friend.

'So?'

'So that's my other catchphrase. I have three catchphrases. And also, "Stand easy" is a little military for you.'

'I can be military!' I say, offended. 'Why can't I be military?'

'Well, unlike many men, you've never seen active service,' says my friend. 'Therefore, saying "Stand easy" is almost an insult to those of us who have. Especially when it's just so you can have a catchphrase. It's a little childish, whereas having a catchphrase is quite grown-up.'

My manhood was now in deep and terrifying jeopardy.

'What do you mean, those of us who have? When did you see active service?'

'Worksop, '91.'

'Worksop? Since when did anything happen in Worksop? And you were about fourteen in 1991!'

'I was in the Combined Cadet Force. I had a beret and camo.'

'You had camo?'

'You can't say "camo". You have to say camouflage. You have never seen active service.'

'I didn't realise there were so many rules to these things.'

I realise I am not ready to have a catchphrase. Plus, I'm not sure if I really want one. Having to say it all the time would be distracting, and I can't say I'm certain I'm ready to completely commit to just the one phrase.

'I think I'll leave it,' I say, heavily.

'Respect is due,' says my friend.

VOICEOVER

I am in a small windowless room somewhere deep in the heart of London's Soho, and I have been saying the sentence 'Give your pizza pizzazz!' over and over again for the past ten minutes.

'Danny,' says the director, 'can you now try it a little more casual?'

I nod and give him the thumbs up, and he presses Record again.

'Give your pizza pizzazz!' I say, quite casually.

The director shakes his head and presses a button so he can speak in my ear again.