'Not yet,' I say. 'It takes a couple of weeks.'

'So you don't know yet?'

'What's to know?' I say. 'But I did it! And I've got a good feeling!'

Colin just stares at me. He is probably still a little overawed.

'I will have a pint now,' I say, waving him towards the bar.

He grabs the packet of peanuts, and finishes them off in one.

TOMATOES

The man I've invited round this evening is talking about his recent break-up and becoming very emotional. We're in the kitchen, bonding like men, and I'm stirring the pasta, because the pasta isn't going to stir itself.

'It had all been going so well,' he says, and his eyes glisten, as he shakes his head and looks towards the ceiling. I make the appropriate response, and roll my eyes when he tells me of things she said, and nod and shrug when he tells me the very sensible things he said back.

I reach into the cupboard for a can of chopped tomatoes, and he enters Stage 2: the moment he suspected things weren't going so well.

I can't look away at this point, so I feel around the lid while he speaks, but there's no ring-pull, so I keep nodding as I find the cutlery drawer, and open it, and start to blindly grasp about for an opener. This makes a lot of noise, though, so I stop until the small window of opportunity before Stage 3 - the moment he knew things weren't going so well after all - and I use it wisely, quickly glancing at the drawer and rooting around until, bingo!, I find it.

I smile to myself, and he says, 'What?', and I realise a smile is not appropriate.

'Women!' I try, shaking my head, and he relaxes, and says, 'Exactly.' This seems to work in almost any post-break-up situation.

I take the can opener and try to fix it to the lid of the can, but this is easier said than done, especially when Stage 3 requires intense looks of deep understanding and concern. But this man needs pasta! He hasn't eaten in two days! He needs my pasta!

He casts a faraway look out the window, and I act fast, attaching the can opener to the can and squeezing the handle down. I'm in!

He looks back at me and I hide my delight once more, but this time I start to wind the opener round, which is good, because I purse my lips when I do it, and it makes me look a little angry.