'This gift is a great gift,' I say, and eventually, Colin gets the idea. He thanks me, and I don't feel bad for warning him, because this way, everyone's a winner. Steve would want this to happen. Wow. I really am a good person, I think. And then I finish my pint and go home.

The next day, I get a phone call from Colin.

'Well, thanks a bunch,' he says. 'I spent nearly fifty quid on that box set.'

'So?' I say, amazed at Colin's ungrateful attitude. 'Steve spent more on your present!'

'Oh, did he?'

'Yes! A lot more! You're lucky to have a friend like Steve!'

'Oh, am I?'

'Yes!'

'So where is my present?'

'Eh?'

'We sat down for our curry, and then I said happy birthday and handed him my gift. And he opened it and looked delighted and said he loves Bruce Willis, and then he popped it in his bag and started studying the menu.'

I am stunned.

'So he didn't give you the gift?'

'No.'

'Nothing?'

'I am giftless. And nearly fifty quid down.'

'He was supposed to give you that cardigan!' I say. 'The one you said would make you look like Hugh Jackman!'

We fall into silence. Why has Steve done this? And how do I raise it with him? It's his right to not give someone a gift. But surely there's been some mistake? Some clerical error? Steve knows he told me! He was there when it happened! He knows I'd know! I have to say something.

The following night, we all agree to meet at the pub at the end of my road. Steve will try and get there on time, he says, but he's meeting an old friend first. Colin arrives early, and we hatch a plan.

'We have to raise it subtly,' I say. 'We can't be too obvious. You will look ungrateful and mean otherwise.'

'You got me into this,' he says, unkindly. 'You get me out of it.' And then we look up. It's Steve.

'I brought Mike,' he says, and behind him, in the drizzle of a London night, we see a stranger, paying a taxi.

'Hello, Steve,' says Colin, icily. 'You're late.'

Steve sits down and casts me a quizzical glance. I try not to give the game away.

'So I hear Colin gave you a Bruce Willis box set!' I say, brightly, and something slowly dawns on him. His eyes dart nervously between us.

His friend walks in and takes his coat off.

Suddenly, he looks a lot like Hugh Jackman.

THE WISDOM AND PHILOSOPHIES OF A MODERN MAN: 1

MONDAY