'This is my property. And she is my wife. And when you are on my property and talking to my wife, you will do so with respect.'

The builder is wide-eyed. His mates look stunned. I am more stunned, but I am in the zone.

I go for the kill.

'And that goes for all of you,' I snarl.

I turn back, and pass my wife on the steps, who looks scared and impressed, and I pass the biggest of the builders, who looks away, and I slam the door shut.

'Wow!' says my wife, as I slump to the stairs. I am shaking slightly, and my eyes have gone all big, but I have done it. I have done it!

'Get me the phone company,' I yell, and she runs off to fetch the phone.

Five minutes later, they let me off the thousand pounds.

Sometimes - just sometimes - it's great realising you're a Man.

WEIGHT

'The problem, as I see it,' says Colin, opening the crisps, 'is that I've been putting on weight, for no discernible reason whatsoever. It is a mystery to me, and to those who know me.'

He takes a sip of his pint.

'And it's concerning, Dan. Deeply concerning. I used to be lithe. Do you remember when I was lithe?'

Colin has never been lithe. I nod anyway.

'Man, I was lithe. People would look at me, and think, Look at him - he's lithe. But now? I'll be honest. It happens not so much.'

'So what are you saying?'

'I'm saying I've decided to do something. To act. To change things before they change me.'

He offers me a crisp.

'I'm fine,' I say. 'Change things how?'

Colin looks suddenly very proud indeed.

'I've joined a class.'

'A class? What kind of class?'

'A yoga class.'

'A yoga class?' I say, genuinely confused. Colin is not the sort of man you'd readily associate with exercise of this kind. Colin is not the sort of man you'd associate with exercise of any kind. 'Why a yoga class?'

'I intend to release all my energy blocks!' he says, pointing his finger in the air to make himself look important. 'It will make me supple and toned. And lithe. It will make me lithe once more!'

'But you always said classes were for girls!'

'Well, they're for men, now, as well. Lots of men do it. In fact, my class is almost exclusively men.'

'They do men-only yoga?'

'It is a Gay Men's Yoga Class.'

'But ... but you're not gay.'

'I know this. But it's the closest one to my house and also, I bet gay men are a lot less judgemental about the male physique than girls.'