I blew my nose. ‘When I had the results of my laparoscopy, I came to tell you but Chris let it slip you were pregnant. I was so shocked. Sad you hadn’t told me and, if I’m honest, envious. I wanted to confide in you but didn’t think you’d have understood. When you joined all those clubs with the other mums I felt so left out, it was easier to see you less. Tell you I was busy with my career but it wasn’t that. It was never that.’

‘You should have told me.’

‘I know, but I didn’t want you to feel any sort of guilt that you had achieved what I couldn’t. And… and because I was ashamed. I felt less of a woman. Less than you.’

Nell held my hand tightly, her forehead creased in sorrow, tears pooling in her eyes. ‘You must have hated me. I did nothing but complain when I was pregnant; fed up with feeling my body wasn’t mine. Bitching about the cost of babies. My lack of sleep. The last few years my entire world has revolved around the kids.’

‘As it should.’

‘And I envied you.’

‘You envied me? Why?’

‘I haven’t slept through the night in five years. Alfie wakes at ridiculous o’clock and thinks it’s great fun to come and jump on our bed. Emily won’t be left alone for a second. I can’t remember the last time I had a poo in peace. It comes to the weekend and Chris is exhausted from all the overtime he’s put in, but he has to help out with the kids because, quite frankly, I’m not coping, and I would keep thinking lucky Anna and Adam can lie in bed in peace, go to the pub for lunch, eat a meal before it goes cold. I can’t because somebody else’s needs always come before mine. I look at Chris sometimes and think he didn’t sign up for this, and I question whether he’d rather be with someone else. Anyone else who isn’t always covered in baby sick and…’

Now Nell was crying.

‘Don’t think that. He loves you so much.’

‘I can’t help it.’ She wiped her eyes.

‘I feel the same. We’d come to yours and I’d see Adam on the floor, playing with Alfie and Emily, and Adam would smile at you and I’d think is he wishing he’d ended up with you instead of me? That he picked the wrong girl that day on the beach.’

‘You must never think that. I’ve never seen anyone more right for each other than you two. Who did you kiss?’