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Chapters (100)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Note to Readers
  4. Dedication
  5. Prologue
  6. Part One
  7. Chapter One
  8. Chapter Two
  9. Chapter Three
  10. Chapter Four
  11. Chapter Five
  12. Chapter Six
  13. Chapter Seven
  14. Chapter Eight
  15. Chapter Nine
  16. Chapter Ten
  17. Chapter Eleven
  18. Chapter Twelve
  19. Chapter Thirteen
  20. Part Two
  21. Chapter Fourteen
  22. Chapter Fifteen
  23. Chapter Sixteen
  24. Chapter Seventeen
  25. Chapter Eighteen
  26. Chapter Nineteen
  27. Chapter Twenty
  28. Chapter Twenty-One
  29. Chapter Twenty-Two
  30. Chapter Twenty-Three
  31. Chapter Twenty-Four
  32. Chapter Twenty-Five
  33. Chapter Twenty-Six
  34. Part Three
  35. Chapter Twenty-Seven
  36. Chapter Twenty-Eight
  37. Chapter Twenty-Nine
  38. Chapter Thirty
  39. Chapter Thirty-One
  40. Chapter Thirty-Two
  41. Chapter Thirty-Three
  42. Chapter Thirty-Four
  43. Chapter Thirty-Five
  44. Chapter Thirty-Six
  45. Part Four
  46. Chapter Thirty-Seven
  47. Chapter Thirty-Eight
  48. Chapter Thirty-Nine
  49. Chapter Forty
  50. Chapter Forty-One
  51. Chapter Forty-Two
  52. Chapter Forty-Three
  53. Chapter Forty-Four
  54. Chapter Forty-Five
  55. Chapter Forty-Six
  56. Chapter Forty-Seven
  57. Chapter Forty-Eight
  58. Chapter Forty-Nine
  59. Chapter Fifty
  60. Chapter Fifty-One
  61. Chapter Fifty-Two
  62. Chapter Fifty-Three
  63. Chapter Fifty-Four
  64. Chapter Fifty-Five
  65. Chapter Fifty-Six
  66. Chapter Fifty-Seven
  67. Chapter Fifty-Eight
  68. Chapter Fifty-Nine
  69. Chapter Sixty
  70. Chapter Sixty-One
  71. Chapter Sixty-Two
  72. Chapter Sixty-Three
  73. Chapter Sixty-Four
  74. Chapter Sixty-Five
  75. Chapter Sixty-Six
  76. Chapter Sixty-Seven
  77. Chapter Sixty-Eight
  78. Chapter Sixty-Nine
  79. Chapter Seventy
  80. Chapter Seventy-One
  81. Chapter Seventy-Two
  82. Chapter Seventy-Three
  83. Chapter Seventy-Four
  84. Chapter Seventy-Five
  85. Chapter Seventy-Six
  86. Part Five
  87. Chapter Seventy-Seven
  88. Chapter Seventy-Eight
  89. Chapter Seventy-Nine
  90. Chapter Eighty
  91. Part Six
  92. Chapter Eighty-One
  93. Chapter Eighty-Two
  94. Chapter Eighty-Three
  95. Author’s Note
  96. Book Club Questions for The Life We Almost Had
  97. Acknowledgements
  98. Extract
  99. Chapter One
  100. About the Publisher

‘It’s late,’ I say. ‘Go and have a lie down in your room. I’m not going to sleep.’

‘Adam can’t be alone.’

‘He won’t be. I’m here. The alarm will sound if there’s a problem and I’ll call you if I’m worried, I promise.’

It’s a minute before he answers. ‘Okay. I’m going to crash for a couple of hours. I’ll set my alarm but come and get me if you need me in the meantime.’

He slips out of the room. My mind races.

Thirty minutes.

That’s all I am allowed to be connected to Adam for. After that time my nose streams with blood and my head throbs. What would happen if we stayed connected for an hour? Two? Three? Adam’s condition is spider-web fragile, his mind and his body, but what about mine? Would my brain cope with prolonged exposure to the tech? Or would there be no recovery for me?

Behind my eyes are spikes of tiredness but I can’t stop wondering.

What if.

What if.

What if.

Everything I need is in the next room. Oliver has demonstrated how to set it up. How it works. How to set the timer. Somewhere in the muddle of my mind, one thought burns brighter than the rest.

I could connect to Adam again. Here. Now. Before Luis comes back and Oliver comes to send me home.

Thirty minutes.

Or the rest of the night.

The rest of my life.

If it is too much and my mind can’t cope, perhaps there is a chance I would stay with Adam. That our consciousness can be together, even if our physical bodies can’t.

I know there’s a chance that this might be dangerous. That mentally I might never come back from this. But somewhere, Adam waits for me. My baby waits for me. I imagine dressing their tiny body in the lemon sleepsuit covered in bears, still wrapped in tissue paper as fragile as my heart. I can do this, I can. I am steadfast in the belief that there is something beyond the realms of our imagination. Something extraordinary and incomprehensible to us as we live out our too-short lives on this planet we call home. I know there is something; I’ve been there and there has to be a way I can stay there for good. Here, there is nothing for me because a world without Adam doesn’t make sense to me. My need to be with my husband. My child. It overrides everything else. So what if I die trying? What I’m doing now, the way I’m feeling, is hardly living.

I’m going to find a way to reach Adam without Oliver.

I’m going to find a way to stay with him.

Chapter Fifty-Four

Anna