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Chapters (100)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Note to Readers
  4. Dedication
  5. Prologue
  6. Part One
  7. Chapter One
  8. Chapter Two
  9. Chapter Three
  10. Chapter Four
  11. Chapter Five
  12. Chapter Six
  13. Chapter Seven
  14. Chapter Eight
  15. Chapter Nine
  16. Chapter Ten
  17. Chapter Eleven
  18. Chapter Twelve
  19. Chapter Thirteen
  20. Part Two
  21. Chapter Fourteen
  22. Chapter Fifteen
  23. Chapter Sixteen
  24. Chapter Seventeen
  25. Chapter Eighteen
  26. Chapter Nineteen
  27. Chapter Twenty
  28. Chapter Twenty-One
  29. Chapter Twenty-Two
  30. Chapter Twenty-Three
  31. Chapter Twenty-Four
  32. Chapter Twenty-Five
  33. Chapter Twenty-Six
  34. Part Three
  35. Chapter Twenty-Seven
  36. Chapter Twenty-Eight
  37. Chapter Twenty-Nine
  38. Chapter Thirty
  39. Chapter Thirty-One
  40. Chapter Thirty-Two
  41. Chapter Thirty-Three
  42. Chapter Thirty-Four
  43. Chapter Thirty-Five
  44. Chapter Thirty-Six
  45. Part Four
  46. Chapter Thirty-Seven
  47. Chapter Thirty-Eight
  48. Chapter Thirty-Nine
  49. Chapter Forty
  50. Chapter Forty-One
  51. Chapter Forty-Two
  52. Chapter Forty-Three
  53. Chapter Forty-Four
  54. Chapter Forty-Five
  55. Chapter Forty-Six
  56. Chapter Forty-Seven
  57. Chapter Forty-Eight
  58. Chapter Forty-Nine
  59. Chapter Fifty
  60. Chapter Fifty-One
  61. Chapter Fifty-Two
  62. Chapter Fifty-Three
  63. Chapter Fifty-Four
  64. Chapter Fifty-Five
  65. Chapter Fifty-Six
  66. Chapter Fifty-Seven
  67. Chapter Fifty-Eight
  68. Chapter Fifty-Nine
  69. Chapter Sixty
  70. Chapter Sixty-One
  71. Chapter Sixty-Two
  72. Chapter Sixty-Three
  73. Chapter Sixty-Four
  74. Chapter Sixty-Five
  75. Chapter Sixty-Six
  76. Chapter Sixty-Seven
  77. Chapter Sixty-Eight
  78. Chapter Sixty-Nine
  79. Chapter Seventy
  80. Chapter Seventy-One
  81. Chapter Seventy-Two
  82. Chapter Seventy-Three
  83. Chapter Seventy-Four
  84. Chapter Seventy-Five
  85. Chapter Seventy-Six
  86. Part Five
  87. Chapter Seventy-Seven
  88. Chapter Seventy-Eight
  89. Chapter Seventy-Nine
  90. Chapter Eighty
  91. Part Six
  92. Chapter Eighty-One
  93. Chapter Eighty-Two
  94. Chapter Eighty-Three
  95. Author’s Note
  96. Book Club Questions for The Life We Almost Had
  97. Acknowledgements
  98. Extract
  99. Chapter One
  100. About the Publisher

I can just make out Adam as he raises his arms to the sky. He links his thumbs together, forming wings with his hands. He mimes flying free.

‘No!’ I collapse. Feel arms around my waist pulling me from the sea, but Adam is the one who needs to be dragged from this nightmare groundhog day. I already know how it ends.

‘Adam! Adam!’ I fight for freedom. Wade back into deeper water. Hating myself for not being able to swim to him. Not being able to save him.

He doesn’t want to be saved.

He is still watching me. His hands still miming what he wants.

He wants me to set him free.

‘Something wrong with the yacht!’ someone behind me shouts.

This is it.

I watch in horror as the yacht begins to sink.

This is it.

I throw myself forwards, not caring that I might drown trying to reach him. Not wanting to live without him. Hands are on me once more, but not the girl’s.

Oliver’s.

He has brought me back and over my own choking sobs I hear it. The continuous beep.

Adam is flatlining.

Chapter Seventy-Five

Adam

For the second time there’s a blow to my skull. The taste of blood in my mouth. Colours bright and dull. Light and dark. A kaleidoscope of pain.

Water, in my mouth and eyes.

Water, in my nose and ears.

My arms and legs flail. I’m sinking deeper and deeper. Dizzy. Disorientated. My lungs burn, chest feels tight.

The water turns from blue to grey to almost black. I’m spinning. Twisting in the sea. Everything feeling like it’s about to explode. My skull. My rib cage. Body burning.

Anna.

It is the thought of her that prevents me fighting for air. Stops my legs kicking their way to the surface.

I’m sinking. Heavy. A mass of pain and fear but not regret. Not this time.

If you love someone, set them free.

I’m heavy and weightless and here but not.

Anna.

Drifting. Drifting. My arms and legs are splayed.

A feeling of calm washes over me.

Anna begins to fade away.

And then I feel nothing at all.

Chapter Seventy-Six

Anna

We are yanked out of the scanner with force. Sofia pulls me from the table so Oliver can reach Adam. Blood is streaming down my face. My head is splitting, the continuous screech of the machine screaming what I already know.

Adam has gone.

Anxiety grips me tightly. I watch Oliver shake Adam by the shoulders. ‘Adam, Adam, can you hear me?’ But of course Adam doesn’t answer.

He can’t.