I was on my knees, too weak to stand, shielding my eyes from the brightness bouncing off the waves. Adam was nearly at the yacht. Other swimmers were close behind him, also trying to help. Tourists, the guy from behind the bar, the girl who was flipping burgers on the barbecue. The man who had thrust the leaflet about the yacht trip into Adam’s hand was standing, watching. I glared at him. Blaming him.

There was a rubber-band ball of ‘what if’ in my chest growing larger with every passing second. The elastic tightening, making it harder to breathe.

Adam.

He made it. A small, bobbing dot in the sea. He was talking to someone – I couldn’t quite make out if it was a man or a woman, an adult or, as Adam had feared, a child, but they were not moving. They didn’t know him like I did. They didn’t trust him.

He had only been gone a short while but it felt like forever.

Please, I urged, not sure if I was willing the person to get into the water or Adam to turn around and come back. Both, I think.

Please.

But they didn’t move. The yacht shifted dramatically. Almost completely on its side. I couldn’t bear to watch but I couldn’t turn away from it either.

No. Please. No.

The elastic-band ball inside of my chest had exploded when I saw, with horror, what was happening. Short, sharp, snaps to my heart.

The steel pole in the centre of the yacht was falling, falling directly onto Adam.

I screamed his name.

My roar was so deep, so painful, I was sure my baby must have heard it. Felt it. I covered my mouth with my hands as the pole hit Adam.

He disappeared under the water.

I couldn’t breathe while I waited for him to resurface.

He didn’t.

My boy from the bar was gone.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Adam

There was a blow to my skull. The taste of blood in my mouth. Colours bright and dull. Light and dark. A kaleidoscope of pain.

Water, in my mouth and eyes.

Water, in my nose and ears.

My arms and legs flailed. I was sinking deeper and deeper. Dizzy. Disorientated. My lungs burning, chest tight.

The water morphed from blue to grey to almost black. I was spinning. Twisting in the sea, everything about to explode. My skull. My rib cage. Body burning.

Anna.

I tried to swim but I felt so odd.

Couldn’t think straight. Couldn’t force my legs to kick their way to the surface.

I was sinking. Heavy. A mass of pain and regret and fear.

I was drowning but, rather than my life flashing before me, there was only one thought in my head.

Anna.

I was heavy and light and here but not.

Drifting. Drifting. My arms and legs splayed.

I was weightless.

A feeling of calm washed over me.