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Chapters (100)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Note to Readers
  4. Dedication
  5. Prologue
  6. Part One
  7. Chapter One
  8. Chapter Two
  9. Chapter Three
  10. Chapter Four
  11. Chapter Five
  12. Chapter Six
  13. Chapter Seven
  14. Chapter Eight
  15. Chapter Nine
  16. Chapter Ten
  17. Chapter Eleven
  18. Chapter Twelve
  19. Chapter Thirteen
  20. Part Two
  21. Chapter Fourteen
  22. Chapter Fifteen
  23. Chapter Sixteen
  24. Chapter Seventeen
  25. Chapter Eighteen
  26. Chapter Nineteen
  27. Chapter Twenty
  28. Chapter Twenty-One
  29. Chapter Twenty-Two
  30. Chapter Twenty-Three
  31. Chapter Twenty-Four
  32. Chapter Twenty-Five
  33. Chapter Twenty-Six
  34. Part Three
  35. Chapter Twenty-Seven
  36. Chapter Twenty-Eight
  37. Chapter Twenty-Nine
  38. Chapter Thirty
  39. Chapter Thirty-One
  40. Chapter Thirty-Two
  41. Chapter Thirty-Three
  42. Chapter Thirty-Four
  43. Chapter Thirty-Five
  44. Chapter Thirty-Six
  45. Part Four
  46. Chapter Thirty-Seven
  47. Chapter Thirty-Eight
  48. Chapter Thirty-Nine
  49. Chapter Forty
  50. Chapter Forty-One
  51. Chapter Forty-Two
  52. Chapter Forty-Three
  53. Chapter Forty-Four
  54. Chapter Forty-Five
  55. Chapter Forty-Six
  56. Chapter Forty-Seven
  57. Chapter Forty-Eight
  58. Chapter Forty-Nine
  59. Chapter Fifty
  60. Chapter Fifty-One
  61. Chapter Fifty-Two
  62. Chapter Fifty-Three
  63. Chapter Fifty-Four
  64. Chapter Fifty-Five
  65. Chapter Fifty-Six
  66. Chapter Fifty-Seven
  67. Chapter Fifty-Eight
  68. Chapter Fifty-Nine
  69. Chapter Sixty
  70. Chapter Sixty-One
  71. Chapter Sixty-Two
  72. Chapter Sixty-Three
  73. Chapter Sixty-Four
  74. Chapter Sixty-Five
  75. Chapter Sixty-Six
  76. Chapter Sixty-Seven
  77. Chapter Sixty-Eight
  78. Chapter Sixty-Nine
  79. Chapter Seventy
  80. Chapter Seventy-One
  81. Chapter Seventy-Two
  82. Chapter Seventy-Three
  83. Chapter Seventy-Four
  84. Chapter Seventy-Five
  85. Chapter Seventy-Six
  86. Part Five
  87. Chapter Seventy-Seven
  88. Chapter Seventy-Eight
  89. Chapter Seventy-Nine
  90. Chapter Eighty
  91. Part Six
  92. Chapter Eighty-One
  93. Chapter Eighty-Two
  94. Chapter Eighty-Three
  95. Author’s Note
  96. Book Club Questions for The Life We Almost Had
  97. Acknowledgements
  98. Extract
  99. Chapter One
  100. About the Publisher

Breathing.

Now, there is nothing.

My boy from the bar is no more.

Part Five

‘If you love someone, set them free.’

ADAM CURTIS

Chapter Seventy-Seven

Anna

When I think of funerals I think of grey skies and thunderous clouds. Crashes of lightning and rumbles of thunder. Not this. A beaming sun and bright yellow daffodils poking their hopeful heads through the earth, a painful reminder that life goes on.

Most days I wish it didn’t.

This is the church we married in five years ago. Instead of my gorgeous cream wedding dress, I’m wearing a black skirt and blouse. Instead of carrying a bouquet, I am weighed down by my heavy heart.

I step inside. Beeswax and roses. The temperature is startlingly cooler than it is outside. I am alone, but not. Adam’s parents said the journey would be too much for them, his mum not coping with the shock, but those closest to me are here: Mum, Nan, Josh and his parents, Nell and Chris. Oliver has flown over with Eva, Sofia and Luis. And Adam.

I can’t bring myself to look at the coffin.

I won’t.

I’ve been staying with Mum. Unable to bear sleeping alone in the bed that me and Adam once shared. She has been feeding me soup, baking scones I cannot eat. Sitting for endless hours with me, holding me when I cry. Offering to sort out the funeral if I couldn’t cope with it, but she had already been through the trauma of arranging Dad’s.

It was my turn.

It was torturous making the arrangements. My head fuzzy from the short course of sleeping tablets my doctor had prescribed. Making Josh and Nell check and double-check the details, convinced there was something I was forgetting. Something niggling at the edge of my mind.

Nell slips her hand into mine and whereas before she had followed me down the aisle, holding my train, today we make the journey down the red carpet stretching towards the front of the church, shoulder to shoulder. I feel eyes on me but instead of meeting the sea of familiar faces with jolly smiles like the last time I did this slow walk, I stare at the floor.

We sit next to Mum and Nan. The benches cold and hard. The vicar isn’t the same one who married us. He speaks about Adam as if he knew him before he introduces someone who actually did.

Josh clears his throat. It’s the first time I look up. I’m grateful he’s agreed to speak. I have a million words tying themselves in knots inside me, but I know if they rose in my throat they would choke me.