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Chapters (100)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Note to Readers
  4. Dedication
  5. Prologue
  6. Part One
  7. Chapter One
  8. Chapter Two
  9. Chapter Three
  10. Chapter Four
  11. Chapter Five
  12. Chapter Six
  13. Chapter Seven
  14. Chapter Eight
  15. Chapter Nine
  16. Chapter Ten
  17. Chapter Eleven
  18. Chapter Twelve
  19. Chapter Thirteen
  20. Part Two
  21. Chapter Fourteen
  22. Chapter Fifteen
  23. Chapter Sixteen
  24. Chapter Seventeen
  25. Chapter Eighteen
  26. Chapter Nineteen
  27. Chapter Twenty
  28. Chapter Twenty-One
  29. Chapter Twenty-Two
  30. Chapter Twenty-Three
  31. Chapter Twenty-Four
  32. Chapter Twenty-Five
  33. Chapter Twenty-Six
  34. Part Three
  35. Chapter Twenty-Seven
  36. Chapter Twenty-Eight
  37. Chapter Twenty-Nine
  38. Chapter Thirty
  39. Chapter Thirty-One
  40. Chapter Thirty-Two
  41. Chapter Thirty-Three
  42. Chapter Thirty-Four
  43. Chapter Thirty-Five
  44. Chapter Thirty-Six
  45. Part Four
  46. Chapter Thirty-Seven
  47. Chapter Thirty-Eight
  48. Chapter Thirty-Nine
  49. Chapter Forty
  50. Chapter Forty-One
  51. Chapter Forty-Two
  52. Chapter Forty-Three
  53. Chapter Forty-Four
  54. Chapter Forty-Five
  55. Chapter Forty-Six
  56. Chapter Forty-Seven
  57. Chapter Forty-Eight
  58. Chapter Forty-Nine
  59. Chapter Fifty
  60. Chapter Fifty-One
  61. Chapter Fifty-Two
  62. Chapter Fifty-Three
  63. Chapter Fifty-Four
  64. Chapter Fifty-Five
  65. Chapter Fifty-Six
  66. Chapter Fifty-Seven
  67. Chapter Fifty-Eight
  68. Chapter Fifty-Nine
  69. Chapter Sixty
  70. Chapter Sixty-One
  71. Chapter Sixty-Two
  72. Chapter Sixty-Three
  73. Chapter Sixty-Four
  74. Chapter Sixty-Five
  75. Chapter Sixty-Six
  76. Chapter Sixty-Seven
  77. Chapter Sixty-Eight
  78. Chapter Sixty-Nine
  79. Chapter Seventy
  80. Chapter Seventy-One
  81. Chapter Seventy-Two
  82. Chapter Seventy-Three
  83. Chapter Seventy-Four
  84. Chapter Seventy-Five
  85. Chapter Seventy-Six
  86. Part Five
  87. Chapter Seventy-Seven
  88. Chapter Seventy-Eight
  89. Chapter Seventy-Nine
  90. Chapter Eighty
  91. Part Six
  92. Chapter Eighty-One
  93. Chapter Eighty-Two
  94. Chapter Eighty-Three
  95. Author’s Note
  96. Book Club Questions for The Life We Almost Had
  97. Acknowledgements
  98. Extract
  99. Chapter One
  100. About the Publisher

‘Anna.’ Hands shake my shoulders. ‘Anna.’ Fingertips press into my pulse point on my wrist. ‘Anna. Wake up.’ But I don’t want to. Instead of Harry’s crying and Dug’s happy barking, there is the blare of the emergency siren.

I am in the last place I want to be.

Blood streams from my nose, down my throat. I choke but I don’t care. Without Adam, Harry, I am nothing. I am rolled onto my side, something pressed under my nostrils.

‘Anna.’ The voice won’t stop talking. I prise open my eyes and the light feels like a laser slicing through my brain. ‘Thank goodness.’ Oliver’s concerned face looms towards me. I close my eyes once more.

I don’t want to see.

I don’t want to speak.

I don’t want to feel.

Chapter Fifty-Nine

Oliver

Oliver sits by Adam’s bed. Partly because he had promised Anna that he wouldn’t leave Adam while she slept, but mostly because he still wants to be close to her in case she needs him.

When he’d found her earlier, pale and still, blood pouring from her nose, guilt and panic had thrust through Oliver’s veins. He had thought for a second they’d lost her and he’d felt genuine sorrow for her. Then the feeling of relief that she’d been okay. The relief that he wouldn’t be held culpable for leaving the scanner room unlocked, the equipment unsecured, only came later and he hated himself for it.

He wasn’t the most important one here.

‘It was never supposed to be like this,’ Oliver tells Adam. He has spent the last hour telling Adam all about the trial. It’s a relief Adam can’t respond. He knew how he would feel if somebody had put Clem in a similar situation.

‘I wish you’d wake up, mate,’ he tells Adam before selfconsciously pushing his glasses onto his nose. The word ‘mate’ unfamiliar on his tongue, but Oliver doesn’t feel comfortable around men; he doesn’t feel comfortable around people. ‘If you’d wake up there’s a chance you could make it all real. Give Anna a baby. She’s become so attached to Harry, it’s blurred the lines between what’s real and what’s not. She won’t accept that her mind has fabricated him.’ Oliver sighs. ‘Survivor’s guilt is so common. She’s okay and she’s taking the guilt she feels and channelling it into this fake life she’s created where you’re all so happy.’

Oliver studies Adam. It’s hard to imagine him talking. Laughing.