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Chapters (100)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Note to Readers
  4. Dedication
  5. Prologue
  6. Part One
  7. Chapter One
  8. Chapter Two
  9. Chapter Three
  10. Chapter Four
  11. Chapter Five
  12. Chapter Six
  13. Chapter Seven
  14. Chapter Eight
  15. Chapter Nine
  16. Chapter Ten
  17. Chapter Eleven
  18. Chapter Twelve
  19. Chapter Thirteen
  20. Part Two
  21. Chapter Fourteen
  22. Chapter Fifteen
  23. Chapter Sixteen
  24. Chapter Seventeen
  25. Chapter Eighteen
  26. Chapter Nineteen
  27. Chapter Twenty
  28. Chapter Twenty-One
  29. Chapter Twenty-Two
  30. Chapter Twenty-Three
  31. Chapter Twenty-Four
  32. Chapter Twenty-Five
  33. Chapter Twenty-Six
  34. Part Three
  35. Chapter Twenty-Seven
  36. Chapter Twenty-Eight
  37. Chapter Twenty-Nine
  38. Chapter Thirty
  39. Chapter Thirty-One
  40. Chapter Thirty-Two
  41. Chapter Thirty-Three
  42. Chapter Thirty-Four
  43. Chapter Thirty-Five
  44. Chapter Thirty-Six
  45. Part Four
  46. Chapter Thirty-Seven
  47. Chapter Thirty-Eight
  48. Chapter Thirty-Nine
  49. Chapter Forty
  50. Chapter Forty-One
  51. Chapter Forty-Two
  52. Chapter Forty-Three
  53. Chapter Forty-Four
  54. Chapter Forty-Five
  55. Chapter Forty-Six
  56. Chapter Forty-Seven
  57. Chapter Forty-Eight
  58. Chapter Forty-Nine
  59. Chapter Fifty
  60. Chapter Fifty-One
  61. Chapter Fifty-Two
  62. Chapter Fifty-Three
  63. Chapter Fifty-Four
  64. Chapter Fifty-Five
  65. Chapter Fifty-Six
  66. Chapter Fifty-Seven
  67. Chapter Fifty-Eight
  68. Chapter Fifty-Nine
  69. Chapter Sixty
  70. Chapter Sixty-One
  71. Chapter Sixty-Two
  72. Chapter Sixty-Three
  73. Chapter Sixty-Four
  74. Chapter Sixty-Five
  75. Chapter Sixty-Six
  76. Chapter Sixty-Seven
  77. Chapter Sixty-Eight
  78. Chapter Sixty-Nine
  79. Chapter Seventy
  80. Chapter Seventy-One
  81. Chapter Seventy-Two
  82. Chapter Seventy-Three
  83. Chapter Seventy-Four
  84. Chapter Seventy-Five
  85. Chapter Seventy-Six
  86. Part Five
  87. Chapter Seventy-Seven
  88. Chapter Seventy-Eight
  89. Chapter Seventy-Nine
  90. Chapter Eighty
  91. Part Six
  92. Chapter Eighty-One
  93. Chapter Eighty-Two
  94. Chapter Eighty-Three
  95. Author’s Note
  96. Book Club Questions for The Life We Almost Had
  97. Acknowledgements
  98. Extract
  99. Chapter One
  100. About the Publisher

Oliver is doubting himself now too; I can see it in his face.

‘You believe me,’ I say softly and then louder. ‘You. Believe. Me.’

Chapter Seventy-One

Adam

‘You believe me,’ Anna tells Oliver.

She’s talking him round. She’s persuasive, that wife of mine, I know that. If she wasn’t, we wouldn’t have a purple dining room. He doesn’t really have a chance. But still, I’m willing him to stand firm. Not put her at risk.

I long to get up. To walk away from Dr Fucking Frankenstein, but I can’t. The proverbial lab rat.

‘I know why you want to go back, Anna,’ Oliver says. ‘But I have explained to you when I connected to Adam in the scanner there was nothing to see. Harry… Harry isn’t real.’

At this, my heart splinters. ‘He’s real,’ I want to shout. But suddenly I’m not sure. Have I imagined it all too?

I think back to the day he was born; Elvis crooning ‘Love me Tender’.

Isn’t it real?

Isn’t he real?

But he must be. My arms remember the weight of him, my nose the smell of him – talcum powder. His dark blue eyes trained on mine.

If Anna’s seen him too then the tech must work? It must let us be together, but at what cost?

‘You nearly died,’ Oliver had said. If it takes living without me to keep Anna safe and alive then that’s what she must do.

They are standing either side of my bed. I feel like a bloody tennis net as objections are served and batted away. A game that nobody can win.

A scream builds inside of me but I can’t let it out.

‘I know that there comes a point where…’ Oliver’s voice catches. ‘Where we have to let the ones we love go.’

Again, Anna grasps my hand with both of hers. She squeezes. I squeeze back but she can’t feel it.

I’m back in Alircia when we first met. Watching Anna’s anxious face as the bird is placed on my arm. Feeling my fingers fumble against the chain that tethers it. Watching the parrot soar into the brilliant, blue sky. But I’m not there.

I’m here.

I’m at home with Harry.

I don’t know where I am.

I don’t know who I am.

My head hurts. My body hurts. My heart hurts.

Anna sniffs. She doesn’t let go of my hands to find a tissue. Her tears drip onto my forearm. I can’t wipe them away.

‘I won’t give up. Adam wouldn’t want me to give up either,’ she says.

But she’s wrong.