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Chapters (100)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Note to Readers
  4. Dedication
  5. Prologue
  6. Part One
  7. Chapter One
  8. Chapter Two
  9. Chapter Three
  10. Chapter Four
  11. Chapter Five
  12. Chapter Six
  13. Chapter Seven
  14. Chapter Eight
  15. Chapter Nine
  16. Chapter Ten
  17. Chapter Eleven
  18. Chapter Twelve
  19. Chapter Thirteen
  20. Part Two
  21. Chapter Fourteen
  22. Chapter Fifteen
  23. Chapter Sixteen
  24. Chapter Seventeen
  25. Chapter Eighteen
  26. Chapter Nineteen
  27. Chapter Twenty
  28. Chapter Twenty-One
  29. Chapter Twenty-Two
  30. Chapter Twenty-Three
  31. Chapter Twenty-Four
  32. Chapter Twenty-Five
  33. Chapter Twenty-Six
  34. Part Three
  35. Chapter Twenty-Seven
  36. Chapter Twenty-Eight
  37. Chapter Twenty-Nine
  38. Chapter Thirty
  39. Chapter Thirty-One
  40. Chapter Thirty-Two
  41. Chapter Thirty-Three
  42. Chapter Thirty-Four
  43. Chapter Thirty-Five
  44. Chapter Thirty-Six
  45. Part Four
  46. Chapter Thirty-Seven
  47. Chapter Thirty-Eight
  48. Chapter Thirty-Nine
  49. Chapter Forty
  50. Chapter Forty-One
  51. Chapter Forty-Two
  52. Chapter Forty-Three
  53. Chapter Forty-Four
  54. Chapter Forty-Five
  55. Chapter Forty-Six
  56. Chapter Forty-Seven
  57. Chapter Forty-Eight
  58. Chapter Forty-Nine
  59. Chapter Fifty
  60. Chapter Fifty-One
  61. Chapter Fifty-Two
  62. Chapter Fifty-Three
  63. Chapter Fifty-Four
  64. Chapter Fifty-Five
  65. Chapter Fifty-Six
  66. Chapter Fifty-Seven
  67. Chapter Fifty-Eight
  68. Chapter Fifty-Nine
  69. Chapter Sixty
  70. Chapter Sixty-One
  71. Chapter Sixty-Two
  72. Chapter Sixty-Three
  73. Chapter Sixty-Four
  74. Chapter Sixty-Five
  75. Chapter Sixty-Six
  76. Chapter Sixty-Seven
  77. Chapter Sixty-Eight
  78. Chapter Sixty-Nine
  79. Chapter Seventy
  80. Chapter Seventy-One
  81. Chapter Seventy-Two
  82. Chapter Seventy-Three
  83. Chapter Seventy-Four
  84. Chapter Seventy-Five
  85. Chapter Seventy-Six
  86. Part Five
  87. Chapter Seventy-Seven
  88. Chapter Seventy-Eight
  89. Chapter Seventy-Nine
  90. Chapter Eighty
  91. Part Six
  92. Chapter Eighty-One
  93. Chapter Eighty-Two
  94. Chapter Eighty-Three
  95. Author’s Note
  96. Book Club Questions for The Life We Almost Had
  97. Acknowledgements
  98. Extract
  99. Chapter One
  100. About the Publisher

‘That’s fantastic!’ Her face broke into a grin. ‘So you could fall pregnant any day now?’

I swallowed around the lump in my throat. ‘No. We’ve decided to wait. We’re so young and I want to at least be head of department before I take maternity leave, if not deputy head. There’s no rush.’ My smile was so fake, my face in danger of shattering.

‘Oh,’ she said. ‘I get that your career’s important and I know you want to follow in your dad’s footsteps and make head teacher, but I thought—’

‘You thought wrong.’

She studied me for a moment. I maintained eye contact, certain she could see all of the pain inside me.

‘It’s enough for us to know that when the time is right, there’s no medical reason why we can’t conceive,’ I said.

She waited for me to say something and when I didn’t, she asked, ‘Are you sure there’s nothing wrong, Anna? You would tell me if there was?’

‘Of course.’ This time I couldn’t force a smile. ‘We share everything, don’t we?’

‘Always,’ she said. I understood her reason for not wanting to tell me she was pregnant but it smarted.

I felt something shift in our relationship. She was slipping away from me.

She had lied to me. I had lied to her.

Everything changed from that day forward. It wasn’t that I resented her but it hurt, every time she rubbed her bump, complained about backache, bad skin, morning sickness. I wanted it so badly. I wanted it all.

Alfie was born seven months later and I fell in love with him instantly. I told myself that it was enough being a surrogate auntie. I told myself not to feel jealous that Nell had made new friends, all part of the first-time mums’ club that I didn’t know if I would ever join. I tried to keep her in my life, but she was engulfed by sleepless nights and baby swimming and massage and yoga and a million other things that I didn’t know babies needed.

Nell accidentally fell pregnant again just three months later and it was hard. It was so bloody hard to maintain our friendship that I stopped trying. I didn’t know then the tragedy that waited for me ahead. I didn’t know then how much I would need her after that day.

How much Adam and I would both need her.

Chapter Sixteen

Anna

Five years. It had been almost five years since we married. Sixty long months in which I hadn’t been able to give Adam the thing he wanted. The thing we both wanted more than anything else.