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Chapters (100)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Note to Readers
  4. Dedication
  5. Prologue
  6. Part One
  7. Chapter One
  8. Chapter Two
  9. Chapter Three
  10. Chapter Four
  11. Chapter Five
  12. Chapter Six
  13. Chapter Seven
  14. Chapter Eight
  15. Chapter Nine
  16. Chapter Ten
  17. Chapter Eleven
  18. Chapter Twelve
  19. Chapter Thirteen
  20. Part Two
  21. Chapter Fourteen
  22. Chapter Fifteen
  23. Chapter Sixteen
  24. Chapter Seventeen
  25. Chapter Eighteen
  26. Chapter Nineteen
  27. Chapter Twenty
  28. Chapter Twenty-One
  29. Chapter Twenty-Two
  30. Chapter Twenty-Three
  31. Chapter Twenty-Four
  32. Chapter Twenty-Five
  33. Chapter Twenty-Six
  34. Part Three
  35. Chapter Twenty-Seven
  36. Chapter Twenty-Eight
  37. Chapter Twenty-Nine
  38. Chapter Thirty
  39. Chapter Thirty-One
  40. Chapter Thirty-Two
  41. Chapter Thirty-Three
  42. Chapter Thirty-Four
  43. Chapter Thirty-Five
  44. Chapter Thirty-Six
  45. Part Four
  46. Chapter Thirty-Seven
  47. Chapter Thirty-Eight
  48. Chapter Thirty-Nine
  49. Chapter Forty
  50. Chapter Forty-One
  51. Chapter Forty-Two
  52. Chapter Forty-Three
  53. Chapter Forty-Four
  54. Chapter Forty-Five
  55. Chapter Forty-Six
  56. Chapter Forty-Seven
  57. Chapter Forty-Eight
  58. Chapter Forty-Nine
  59. Chapter Fifty
  60. Chapter Fifty-One
  61. Chapter Fifty-Two
  62. Chapter Fifty-Three
  63. Chapter Fifty-Four
  64. Chapter Fifty-Five
  65. Chapter Fifty-Six
  66. Chapter Fifty-Seven
  67. Chapter Fifty-Eight
  68. Chapter Fifty-Nine
  69. Chapter Sixty
  70. Chapter Sixty-One
  71. Chapter Sixty-Two
  72. Chapter Sixty-Three
  73. Chapter Sixty-Four
  74. Chapter Sixty-Five
  75. Chapter Sixty-Six
  76. Chapter Sixty-Seven
  77. Chapter Sixty-Eight
  78. Chapter Sixty-Nine
  79. Chapter Seventy
  80. Chapter Seventy-One
  81. Chapter Seventy-Two
  82. Chapter Seventy-Three
  83. Chapter Seventy-Four
  84. Chapter Seventy-Five
  85. Chapter Seventy-Six
  86. Part Five
  87. Chapter Seventy-Seven
  88. Chapter Seventy-Eight
  89. Chapter Seventy-Nine
  90. Chapter Eighty
  91. Part Six
  92. Chapter Eighty-One
  93. Chapter Eighty-Two
  94. Chapter Eighty-Three
  95. Author’s Note
  96. Book Club Questions for The Life We Almost Had
  97. Acknowledgements
  98. Extract
  99. Chapter One
  100. About the Publisher

And then I felt nothing at all.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Anna

Adam.

I couldn’t lose him. Not now. Not when our future was at last bright and glittering with all the things we had dreamed of.

Adam.

How could I ever have thought that I didn’t want him anymore?

I did.

Oh, how I did.

The other swimmers had reached the yacht and were diving under, resurfacing without him.

Adam.

The beach had lost its colour. Its noise. Holidaymakers static and silent, staring out to sea like mannequins.

‘He’s got him!’ someone shouted. Adam’s head surfaced and a sob clawed up my throat.

‘Bring him back,’ I screamed, beckoning with both hands, quickly, quickly.

I paced.

One step.

Two.

Three.

Turn.

A tiger in a cage. Coiled. Ready to spring the second they reached shallower water. Ready to shower my husband with love and kisses.

At last they were closer but Adam didn’t stand. Instead he was dragged onto the sand and dropped heavily.

Adam.

I fell to my knees beside him. Shaking him. Wake up. Wake up.

‘He’s not breathing!’ Frantically I scanned the crowd. The horrified expressions. The camera phones. Why wasn’t anyone helping?

‘Please.’ I shook Adam again, crying harder. ‘Someone.’

‘Let me see.’ A woman kneeled opposite me, her fingers scooping the inside of Adam’s mouth, before checking his neck for a pulse.

‘Adam. He’s called Adam.’ It was important that she knew but she didn’t answer. Instead, she breathed into his mouth – the mouth that had kissed me goodbye. She linked her hands and pushed hard on his chest.

How can his heart have given up when it was so full of love for me? For our unborn child.

His face was pale. The sand, once golden, was stained crimson by the blood trickling from a wound on his head.

I waited for him to gasp, the way they do in the movies. For water to spew from his beautiful lips.

It didn’t.

Adam.

Please don’t leave me.

Part Three

‘Giving up isn’t an option.’

JOSH QUIGLEY – ADAM’S BEST FRIEND

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Anna

The smell of hospitals was the same wherever you were in the world. Abrasive and clinical; disinfectant mingled with bleach, sorrow tinged with fear.

Adam hadn’t woken up.

I tightly clutched the itchy grey blanket that had been draped around my shoulders, wishing it were my husband’s hand that I was holding. I half ran to keep up with the trolley as it was wheeled down a corridor, bright with harsh, fluorescent light. Doctors and nurses blocked my view as they poked and prodded him, chattering away in a language I couldn’t understand. They could have been saying Adam had no chance of survival, they could have been discussing last night’s TV, what they’d be eating for dinner. I had no way of knowing.

I had never felt more scared.