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Chapters (100)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Note to Readers
  4. Dedication
  5. Prologue
  6. Part One
  7. Chapter One
  8. Chapter Two
  9. Chapter Three
  10. Chapter Four
  11. Chapter Five
  12. Chapter Six
  13. Chapter Seven
  14. Chapter Eight
  15. Chapter Nine
  16. Chapter Ten
  17. Chapter Eleven
  18. Chapter Twelve
  19. Chapter Thirteen
  20. Part Two
  21. Chapter Fourteen
  22. Chapter Fifteen
  23. Chapter Sixteen
  24. Chapter Seventeen
  25. Chapter Eighteen
  26. Chapter Nineteen
  27. Chapter Twenty
  28. Chapter Twenty-One
  29. Chapter Twenty-Two
  30. Chapter Twenty-Three
  31. Chapter Twenty-Four
  32. Chapter Twenty-Five
  33. Chapter Twenty-Six
  34. Part Three
  35. Chapter Twenty-Seven
  36. Chapter Twenty-Eight
  37. Chapter Twenty-Nine
  38. Chapter Thirty
  39. Chapter Thirty-One
  40. Chapter Thirty-Two
  41. Chapter Thirty-Three
  42. Chapter Thirty-Four
  43. Chapter Thirty-Five
  44. Chapter Thirty-Six
  45. Part Four
  46. Chapter Thirty-Seven
  47. Chapter Thirty-Eight
  48. Chapter Thirty-Nine
  49. Chapter Forty
  50. Chapter Forty-One
  51. Chapter Forty-Two
  52. Chapter Forty-Three
  53. Chapter Forty-Four
  54. Chapter Forty-Five
  55. Chapter Forty-Six
  56. Chapter Forty-Seven
  57. Chapter Forty-Eight
  58. Chapter Forty-Nine
  59. Chapter Fifty
  60. Chapter Fifty-One
  61. Chapter Fifty-Two
  62. Chapter Fifty-Three
  63. Chapter Fifty-Four
  64. Chapter Fifty-Five
  65. Chapter Fifty-Six
  66. Chapter Fifty-Seven
  67. Chapter Fifty-Eight
  68. Chapter Fifty-Nine
  69. Chapter Sixty
  70. Chapter Sixty-One
  71. Chapter Sixty-Two
  72. Chapter Sixty-Three
  73. Chapter Sixty-Four
  74. Chapter Sixty-Five
  75. Chapter Sixty-Six
  76. Chapter Sixty-Seven
  77. Chapter Sixty-Eight
  78. Chapter Sixty-Nine
  79. Chapter Seventy
  80. Chapter Seventy-One
  81. Chapter Seventy-Two
  82. Chapter Seventy-Three
  83. Chapter Seventy-Four
  84. Chapter Seventy-Five
  85. Chapter Seventy-Six
  86. Part Five
  87. Chapter Seventy-Seven
  88. Chapter Seventy-Eight
  89. Chapter Seventy-Nine
  90. Chapter Eighty
  91. Part Six
  92. Chapter Eighty-One
  93. Chapter Eighty-Two
  94. Chapter Eighty-Three
  95. Author’s Note
  96. Book Club Questions for The Life We Almost Had
  97. Acknowledgements
  98. Extract
  99. Chapter One
  100. About the Publisher

‘If we can’t have tea, wine? Thursday is the new Friday.’ Adam pulled a bottle of Malbec from the rack while I fetched two glasses from the cupboard. We didn’t drink when we’d first tried to conceive. As time marched on, it became ‘just the odd one’; by two years it was weekends only. But weekends stretched from Friday lunchtime to Sunday night and soon after that it was why not take the edge off? Adam uncorked the bottle while I pushed a stopper back into all the things I wanted to say. It didn’t feel like the right time.

It never did.

My nan had a yellow sofa once, her and Grandad had saved for almost a year to buy it when they had first got married. It became battered from years of family life. The springs poking through the sagging cushions. The arms worn and faded. After she had lost Grandad, Mum had worried about her living alone. ‘On top of everything else that’s wrong with that sofa, it’s a fire hazard. You must get a modern one made of non-flammable material,’ Mum had insisted. Nan did buy a ‘three-piece suite’, as she had called it, but was scared of spoiling it. She refused to take off the protective covering. When I visited, I perched on the edge of my seat, afraid of splitting the plastic open. Afraid of ruining what was underneath. That was how I constantly felt now, sitting lightly on the lie that was our marriage, muscles tense, smile static. Terrified that I would press down too hard and the truth would burst out. We hadn’t been able to have a baby and it didn’t matter how many times we said we were enough for each other; I didn’t think that we were.

Not anymore.

Chapter Seventeen

Adam

My first glass of Malbec lasted about three seconds. I poured another. If I was drinking, I couldn’t snap back. I just couldn’t face another row.

Nothing I did was good enough anymore. I should have known when Anna had scrawled pink wafer biscuits on the list that morning that it was her time of the month. That I needed to tiptoe around her more than I usually did.

Five years. Five years we’ve been trying to conceive.

When do you say enough? Let’s take a break and just be us for a bit.