‘I. Am. Never. Having. Another. Baby.’ I don’t even have the energy left to cry. ‘I can’t do this. I can’t.’ My hands cling to Adam’s T-shirt. I give him a feeble shake. ‘Make it stop now.’

‘Anna—’

‘I’ve changed my mind!’ I am shouting now. Trying to swing my legs down. Wanting to walk away from it all. ‘I can’t do it.’ My chest is heaving with dry sobs. I feel a complete and utter failure.

It’s too hard.

Too painful.

Too everything.

‘One last push, Anna,’ Helen shouts.

‘You hear that, Anna? One more and it will all be over. We’ll meet—’

‘If you say Gregg, I’ll fucking kill you.’

‘Get ready,’ Helen barks. ‘Deep breath and… push!’

I screw my eyes, grit my teeth, use the last ounce of my strength to push. Just when I feel my head will explode with the exertion, there’s a give.

‘Take a break, head’s out.’

‘Did you hear that, Anna?’ Adam’s excitement is palpable. ‘It has a head! Can you tell if it’s a boy or girl yet, Helen?’

‘If I could tell that from the head, you’d make medical history,’ she says. ‘Ready, Anna, you’re doing really well. Deep breath and… push.’

I clench my hands into fists, the room swimming from lack of air until Helen tells me to take a break again.

‘One more push should do it,’ she says.

I prepare myself and when she tells me to push, I do until she tells me to stop.

‘Good girl. It’s all over. You’ve done brilliantly. Two seconds and…’

A sharp cry fills the air.

A baby.

My baby.

‘Well done, Anna. You were amazing.’ Adam presses his lips hard against mine. He’s crying. I’m crying. His face is shining with joy. His eyes bright. Again, he is the boy I first met. The boy from the bar. The intervening years where we bickered and took each other for granted melt away. I am twenty-four once more. Falling deeply into a love that is absolute.

‘I love you,’ I sob.

‘I love you too.’ He wipes my eyes, his eyes. ‘I was doubting it would ever happen.’ He slapped both hands on top of his head. ‘I’m a dad!’

And I am a mother. So many emotions battle for prominence inside of me and while I am trying to unpick them, Oliver’s voice penetrates my blur of exhaustion and exhilaration and pain – he’s begun to count down.

Ten

No!

Nine

‘Quick.’ I beckon for Helen to bring my baby over.

Eight

Hurry!

Seven

I have to see my child.

Six

Hold them.

Five

‘Is it a boy or a girl?’

Four

‘Congratulations, Anna.’ Helen takes a pause.

Three

‘You have a perfectly healthy…’

Two

‘…baby—’

One

I am back.

Chapter Fifty-Two

Oliver