One week since the last message to my husband, he replied. There were only three lines. Three measly lines.

Daisy, I have a lot to deal with over here right now and I would appreciate you giving me the time to do that.

I hope to be back in time for the birth but please in the meantime, let Mum look after you and the baby.

Take care and see you in a few months. Ben.

I read it at least six times, each time searching for the missing words, the meanings, something that meant he cared and that everything would be fine between us. To give me a reason to care for his baby I was carrying.

But there was nothing there.

I could still feel Ben, as though he wasn’t that far away at all. I still had the smell of him in the room, on the cardigan that I perpetually wore and never washed. I thought he would have stayed to support me through this period, but he didn’t.

Sitting still wasn’t an option. I got up and as I arrived at the bottom of the stairs with my thoughts clearly written all over my face, Annie was passing through the hallway and stopped and exclaimed.

‘Whatever is the matter, girl, you look as weak as a kitten!’

‘It’s Ben. He messaged me.’

‘He did?’ Annie’s face matched the confusion in her tone ‘Well, what did he say? Is he coming back?

I shook my head, barely able to say the words. ‘I… don’t know.’

Annie took me by the arm, walked me through to the lounge and got me seated on the sofa.

‘But what did he say?’ Annie stood in front of me with her arms folded, so I pulled out my phone and showed her the text with the words that had burned into my eyeballs by now.

Annie handed me the phone back. ‘Well, at least he knows you are safe here. And he didn’t say he wasn’t coming back. He said he hopes to be back by the time the baby arrives. Do you have an exact due date? I know it’s April.’

‘From my calculations my due date is sometime in April. But I don’t know exactly. I haven’t seen a midwife. I haven’t had a scan.’ I blew out a big breath. I’d told Ben the 16^th. I did some basic calculations, but I suppose the midwives have a better way of working it out.

‘So we roughly have two months, possibly a few weeks more. Have you prepared anything?

‘No.’

‘No?’

‘No.’ Because I don’t think I’m good enough. I don’t think I’m ready. ‘Will… will I be ready?’ I asked, knowing I had neglected the pregnancy.

‘Well, no one is ever really ready, children come along and turn your whole world upside down. One always doubts one’s abilities, more so when it comes to the most basic natural ways of motherhood.’

I nodded along with Annie’s words but they meant nothing to me now Ben wasn’t here. I couldn’t help but start to imagine the worst, what was really keeping him away from me? The secrets I thought I had been able to keep buried had perhaps finally come back to haunt me. Already my life was in ruins. The only thing that I had left was the tiny heartbeat within me; this developing human waiting to be welcomed into the world by a loving mother who would give it all her love. But amongst the fog of grief and the doubt surrounding my marriage, the one thing I was clear upon was that I would not be a good mother.