“No, he didn’t. Are you fucking with me?”

“Are you having a panic attack? Go get a drink of water. I’m not ‘fucking’ with you. He’s so confident in your stand-up abilities that he booked you a gig.”

I choke on air and proceed to have a coughing fit.

“Jamie, seriously, water.”

“No, he didn’t. What do you mean he booked me a gig? What gig?” I wheeze, sprinting out of Siri’s room to the bathroom. I flip on the sink and crane my head down to drink from the faucet.

“Well, um,” she starts. I shut the spout off so I can hear her. My mouth’s overflowing with water that I’m now trying to choke down.

“He booked you a twenty-minute set for a private barbecue Timothée Chalamet is throwing.”

I full-on projectile spit all over the bathroom mirror.

52. Angst and Good/Bad News

SIRI

September 4, Friday Night

California

I think Jamie’s legitimately choking on the other end of the line.

“Jamie! Get water! What’s happening?”

“FRICK!” she screams. I turn the phone volume down. “FUCK FRICKITY JIBBIT FLIP.” And then, “HE BOOKED ME FOR TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET?!”

“Yes,” I tell her nervously.

“NO.”

“Yes.”

“He didn’t.”

“Um … But he did,” I tell her.

“No no.”

“Yes, he did.”

“When?!” she breathes.

“Saturday.”

“Saturday when?”

“This Saturday.”

There’s a long silence.

“Not tomorrow,” she whispers.

I look up at Dawn who’s lending me a gah, it’s going to be okay expression.

“We have to switch back,” Jamie finally says.

My throat tightens uncomfortably. I take her off speaker and bring the phone to my ear.

“No, we shouldn’t. It’ll ruin our whole plan; we’ve only been switched for a day. Don’t worry, I’m figuring this out.”

“Figuring this out?! Sier, this is my career. Are you shitting me?”

Nerves gather in my gut. “Jamie, I promise I will not ruin your career. Think about what switching back right now would entail logistically—you would have to get on a flight first thing tomorrow, and you still wouldn’t be able to make it. The performance is at two p.m.! And a flight would cost hundreds of dollars that you don’t have, and it would ruin all our confrontation plans. I’m sure you have a whole slew of things planned with Mom that you haven’t gotten to yet. Plus, you’re forgetting that you don’t look like you.”

Jamie groans on the other end of the line. “… I, I mean, this is unbelievable. I can’t believe this is happening.”