“Your family sounds fun.” I come to a stop as we reach the train station.

“They are.” He cocks his head to the side for a moment. “You should come over and meet them before you leave.”

I open and close my mouth a few times, smiling at his blatant lack of awareness as to how couple-y this would seem. Or maybe he is extremely aware and that’s why he’s asking.

Honestly, at this point, what does it even matter? I’m leaving on Tuesday. He knows I’m leaving on Tuesday. We’re going out on a damn date tomorrow.

I shrug. “I’d love to meet your family.”

“We’re doing a family dinner thing Monday night,” he says.

“Um, cool, that’s perfect.”

“Shall we meet here at five tomorrow for my rooftop work thing?” he asks.

“Sounds good.”

We look at each other for a moment. Zarar reaches forward to hug me, and I instinctively step away.

“Sorry,” I explain quickly. “I don’t do hugs.”

I sprint up the steps into the station. The more time I spend on this coast, the clearer it becomes that I’m failing. I’m failing in every mainstream sense of the word: career, home, love life, friends, family. My career is going backward, I no longer have an apartment, I’m dating someone too pure for this world that I promised I wouldn’t, I hurt my best friend, and I have a mom who actively doesn’t want me.

I don’t know how to fix any of this shit. I’m terrible at feelings. All I’ve ever done is tell myself I’m stronger than emotions. I can choose what I feel.

I really thought I had that superpower.

I don’t bother to sneak into Mara’s house quietly when I get back at one thirty. I have questions. I need the damn answers. I slam the door shut when I come in from the garage.

Mara’s not in the kitchen.

She’s not in the living room.

Her bedroom door is closed.

“Mom?” I throw open the door. The bed is made. The Game of Thrones shrine is reorganized. Mara isn’t here.

“Mom!” I yell. I stomp back across the hall and collapse onto Siri’s gray carpet with a flustered roar.

Is this how Siri is feeling? Has been feeling? Like she’s slipped down an Alice in Wonderland pit and she can’t stop falling because there’s nothing to grab on to?

Why hasn’t she called me?

When is Dawn going to let me apologize?

Fuck this. I pull Siri’s stupid iPhone from my bag. This time I actually do turn it off.

63. Angst and Ice Cream

SIRI

September 5, Saturday Late Afternoon

California

The second Dawn and I get into her car and close the doors, we start screeching like little girls.

“THAT JUST HAPPENED!” Dawn yells.

“THAT JUST HAPPENED!” I confirm.

“INTERCOURSE YEAH!”