I don’t really want to do this right now. But I promised Siri. I get up to stand beside her. She pulls a folded piece of paper out of her bra. I pull mine from my front overall pocket. I’ve read mine so many times, I’m off book. But I have it on me for Siri. I want her to know I wrote it.

Siri goes first, spilling her heart out to Mara about all her hopes and dreams of being a mother-daughter ballet duo and how she feels like she’s never enough to hold her attention. How sad she is about all Mara’s lies. How she wants Mara to keep being the mom she looks up to, but she also needs her to try to be better. To be more present even when things aren’t bad.

And then I go. I’m actually glad I wrote it down once I start speaking because these words are so vulnerable … I don’t think I’d actually be able to spit them out with Mara looking at me. The paper gives me something to stare at.

When we finish, it feels like I’ve let go of a darkness that’s been taking up residence in my chest. I blow out a long sigh.

“Don’t respond right now, Mara. You’re emotional and kind of drunk, and so am I. I think I should go. Let’s let everything marinate and talk about it some other time next week.”

Mara nods, wiping stray tears.

97. Angst and Bridges

SIRI

September 11, Friday

New York City

Jamie went back to Papa’s.

After reading my mom letter, I feel overwhelmed and heavy with emotions rather than light and relieved. This letter was way more complicated and convoluted than the one to Jamie. It was a hundred times harder to stand up there and say these words to my mother, the woman who raised me, than to forgive Bran and Celia.

But I said them. I could say them because I knew Jamie was there to defend me if I needed her to.

It was heartbreaking hearing Jamie’s letter. Mara sat stone-still for the ten minutes it took us to finish talking, her usual inscrutable expression marred with shame. She didn’t know what to do when we were done, but I know she wanted to do something.

I’m glad Jamie told her to sit with it. I’m glad Jamie left and gave me the out to leave the room.

Today was wonderful, but that doesn’t make everything that’s happened disappear. We have to have discussions like these in order to have more days like this.

During our session with Donya together yesterday, Jamie and I made plans to visit Dad next weekend. I volunteered to get in contact with him and see if he’d fly us out there.