I stared at it. I read it. I re-read it. I decided I probably didn't need to know it. But now I do know it, and I will know it for ever. Whenever I look at my friend Lee Phillips, I will remember that he used to like Young Guns II a lot, but then only liked it quite a lot. Why do I know this? And what happened? Sure, it adds the personal touch to Facebook, but still - I could've used that space in my brain for something about warfare or spelling.

I refuse to be part of this movement that updates people constantly on my moods or thoughts via the internet . If they want it personal, it should be personal. So instead of updating Facebook with random facts, I now phone friends up and shout things down the phone at them before they even say hello. 'DANNY WALLACE HAS JUST EATEN AN EGG!'; 'DANNY WALLACE IS SPEAKING!'; 'DANNY WALLACE HAS A LITTLE BLUE HAT ON!' I then hang up and do not answer when they ring back.

I like to think it adds the personal touch.

THURSDAY

I think a nice way of making us all feel better about the bad things in the world would be if news journalists could make their reports from war-torn regions and drought-stricken plains a little more friendly. A lovely big smile at the end of their piece would cost nothing. And also, why don't they wave?

FRIDAY

My wife was the victim of identity theft this week. A German man had stolen her credit card details and was making various bets through a Frankfurt poker website using her money. This was distressing for her, sure. But how was I supposed to feel? I was now married to a German man with a gambling problem. What's worse is I've tried to get in touch with him, with a view to deciding whether I should move to Germany, or whether he will move here. I am determined to make this marriage work. Should he decide to move over here, I suppose my wife will have to steal someone else's identity before moving on. I have therefore hidden all my credit cards - the last thing I need is those two shacking up. However, if this works out, it will be quite a story for me and Hans to tell the grandkids!

I have asked my wife to settle her poker bills before she moves out.

SATURDAY

Why is it that if a small child runs up to a policeman and kicks him as hard as he can in the bottom, it's considered 'cute', whereas if a grown man - who is perfectly respectable and there with his wife - does the exact same thing, I am both 'in breach of the law' and threatened with a fine?

It's one rule for them and another for us, and it has to stop.

SUNDAY