'My cousin lives near Knutsford,' interrupts one of the people, and he makes an impressed face, as if to say, 'What a strange coincidence!' I know I have to act fast to cut this line of conversation off. We can afford no diversions on this very special journey.

'Really?' I say, politely. 'Anyway, Will was certain he'd ordered an Appletiser, and I mean absolutely certain-'

'Whereabouts near Knutsford?' says someone else.

'Cheadle,' says the first person, brightly.

I pretend I haven't heard.

'So Will thought he'd ordered an Appletiser, but when it came-'

'As in Don Cheadle?' says the other guy.

'Yeah, I suppose so!' says the first, and I have to pause while they have a big laugh about it.

'So anyway,' I say, firmly, 'Will thought he was getting an Appletiser-'

'I go past Cheadle sometimes,' says the second person, and I realise the lure of a conversation about Cheadle is just too great for some. I cut my losses, and focus my attention on the remaining two people, who are still with me.

'But when the drink arrived, there was something a bit odd about it-'

'What did you think of Knutsford, Danny? What hotel were you at?'

I turn back to the first person.

'It was nice. A Travelodge, I think.'

'That's a good one, Knutsford,' he says. 'That's a good one, that one.'

'So anyway,' I say, realising I now have to fill him in on what he's missed, 'when the drink arrived, there was something a bit odd about it-'

'I've never been sure about Appletiser,' says one of the others. 'It's a little too fizzy.'

'Sure,' I say, nodding vigorously, trying to show I was taking their opinion on board, but that there were other, more pressing matters than the fizz ratio of carbonated fruit drinks.

'Apple Tango for me,' says the first man, undermining my theory. 'Do they still do Apple Tango?'

'Market leader,' I say. 'So Will ordered this Appletiser-'

'What about Um Bungo?' says the second. 'Can you still get that?'

My wife is nearly asleep at this point. I need to move this along.

'So the waiter brings his drink over-'

'What was that jingle Um Bungo had?'

This is turning into I Love 1983.

'Um Bungo Um Bungo They Drink It In The Congo,' I say, quickly. 'So Will looks at his drink-'

'I used to love that advert,' says the first man.

'Yeah, it was terrific,' says the second.

I decide to drop them again and concentrate on the other two, but they're looking at me with glassy eyes. I'm losing them. I don't know if you've ever tried to talk about Appletiser with people who only want to talk about Um Bungo, but it's really very frustrating.