It is fitting I should tell him here, in this pub. Not only is it our regular, but by lunchtime it is the official hangout of each and every mother or mother-to-be in North London. Sometimes you can't move for women breastfeeding. Which is not a sentence I really say very much.

A moment has passed since I told him. And then Colin smiles the broadest smile I've ever seen, and he shakes my hand, and he slaps my shoulder, and he makes a little whooping sound. I smile back, and nod.

And then he looks at me very seriously indeed, and he says, 'You're gonna need a pram.'

I blink once or twice.

That's his first reaction?

I'd thought maybe he'd ask me when it was due, or whether I know what genre it is, or if we'd thought of any names.

'Yep,' he says, taking a sip of his pint. 'You're gonna need a good pram.'

'I ... is that your first reaction?' I say. 'Don't you want to know what sex it is?'

'OK. What sex is it?'

'I... don't know.' I shrug, and Colin rolls his eyes at me, as if I've been purposely wasting his time.

'Well, let's refer to it as a "he" for now,' he says, pointing in the air. 'For one thing, it's simpler, and for another, it's very important to remain positive during a pregnancy.'

I nod, confused. Somehow, Colin has taken charge.

'So when it comes to prams,' he says, 'I'd say it was between the Bugaboo and the Maclaren.'

I have never heard of either of these things.

'Of course, there's the Balmoral, but you don't really want to go down that route. Not unless you want your baby picked on by a load of rival babies.'

'Rival babies?'

'Yeah. Tough babies. I don't imagine yours is going to be all that tough.'

I am offended. I could have a tough baby if I wanted. What does Colin know about having tough babies? Maybe my baby's a thug! Maybe my baby will be a proper skinhead!

Actually, statistically, it is very likely to be a proper skinhead.

'Now the thing with the Maclaren is it's generally forwardfacing and foldable, while the Bugaboo is a fashion statement and generally parent-facing and more minimalist ... You're probably tempted by the look of a three-wheeler, but remember that while they're great on rough terrain, they're not so good in the supermarket.'

He realises something and slaps his head to punish himself for forgetting.

'Oh, God! The supermarket!'

'What?' I say, panicking. 'What about the supermarket?'

'Well, what do you go for? Active Fit nappies? Washable cloth? Both have their advantages, yet both are quick to reveal their weaknesses.'

I realise what's happening here. Colin can only deal with a conversation of this magnitude by turning it into a major pub debate.