Tears of self-pity flowed and I let them, turning my face into the pillow, the foam absorbing my sorrow. I was scared. Scared of the surgery. Scared it wouldn’t work. Scared Adam would leave me for someone who could conceive. Every single potential problem I could think of loomed out of the dark.

By the time the grey sludge of dawn lightened the sky, I had vowed that I would not let this come between me and Adam. I wouldn’t let it become the focus of us. I wouldn’t let my endless fears become his fears. He was my glass-half-full optimist and I needed him to stay that way.

I wanted to talk to someone though. It wouldn’t be fair to burden Mum. We hadn’t even told her we were trying – not wanting that ‘Am I going to be a grandma?’ question every month. We thought it would be a nice surprise for her when it happened. I was glad she didn’t know.

Quietly, I dressed. Pulling on track pants and lacing my trainers. The cold air filled my lungs and I ran and ran until I found myself on Nell’s doorstep. Here I could cry unfiltered, lay out all of my doubts before her, knowing she would listen without judgement, without trying to fix it. Fix me.

It was Chris who answered. Bare-chested, black joggers hanging low on his waist.

‘Anna.’ He stifled a yawn with his hand. ‘Is everything okay?’

‘Yes. Sorry it’s early.’ Stupidly, I hadn’t thought that he might be here. ‘Is Nell awake?’

‘She probably is now,’ he said, but not unkindly. ‘Come in.’

I followed him into the kitchen. The sink was piled with washing-up, most likely from Nell’s housemates. She rarely cooked. Still, she’d be moving into Chris’s house soon enough.

‘Congratulations, by the way,’ I said as he filled the kettle. ‘It’s great news.’

‘Thanks.’ He turned to me with the biggest grin on his face. ‘I can hardly believe it – me a dad!’

It was a punch to the gut. I sank onto the kitchen chair while Chris carried on talking. ‘I know it wasn’t planned but Nell will make the best mum, don’t you think?’

‘I… I have to go. Sorry, I’ve just remembered… something.’ I rushed towards the front door, reaching it at the same time that Nell reached the bottom of the stairs.

‘Is everything okay, Anna? It’s the crack of dawn!’

‘I was just out for a run but—’

‘A run? Now I know something’s wrong. Shit. It was your laparoscopy results yesterday, wasn’t it? Sorry, it slipped my mind.’

‘That’s okay, you’ve a lot to think about with… with the house move.’

‘What were your results?’ She looked at me with concern.

‘They were fine. Nothing wrong at all.’