I stare at it for an unknown length of time. I completely forgot about the barbecue. It has to be over. Why the hell hasn’t Siri called me already?

It must have gone poorly.

Did my dinner go poorly?

I didn’t get around to asking Mara about Dad. I wanted to corner her. The key questions, the key statements I wanted to spew in front of George and Gill didn’t come out of me. I got too caught up in the moment, pushing Mara’s buttons. She’s so good at pressing mine.

I run a hand down my face and groan when it comes away covered in red smudges. Fuck me.

At 11:45 Zarar walks in to find me with my head in my hands. Half the people who were here earlier are gone. Zarar sits in the folding chair next to me.

“What’s going on?” he asks.

I look up at him, revealing the flattering red lipstick stains streaking from my lips down my chin. “This is.”

Zarar snorts.

I shake my head. “Are you kidding me?”

“You still look beautiful,” he says through the side of his mouth.

I glare up at him through my lashes. “I know. I’ll make it work.”

“What’s really up?” he asks.

I groan. “I don’t know. I didn’t push enough on Mara today … on the topics that really mattered, and the aftertaste of failure is pretty shit.”

“Do you want a piece of gum?” Zarar asks.

I smirk at him. “Shut up.”

“Your food was really good.”

I nod. “Thanks.”

“You can ask her the questions when you get back,” he says.

I can. But it won’t be the same. I glance at the phone clutched in my hand.

“This just feels wrong.” I voice the thought without context.

This is going to be my first time performing in front of an audience where someone I know and care about is in the crowd (excluding my father who I didn’t know was there so that doesn’t count). And that person isn’t going to be Dawn who’s been at my side supporting everything I’ve done over the past ten years.

Zarar pulls his folding chair around so that it’s directly across from mine. “You’re working yourself into a nerve tornado.”

I scoff. “Yeah, join me in here, won’t you? You’re way too level-headed. I’m not ready to get back on a stage yet. I’ve barfed in emotionally charged moments twice since this happened, Z! I can’t have that happen again.”

“Jamie, you’ve done variations of this set so many times, and we combed through every joke this afternoon. You were already ready.”

I shake my head. “I’ve only done five-minute versions of this set many times! I’ve done ten minutes once, and it blew … literal chunks. Everything’s different in front of a crowd!”

“Just look at me, then.”