But as his voice lowers, I drift off again. The Environmental Protection Agency! I suddenly think. Of course! Walter Peck represented the Environmental Protection Agency! He was the busybody who inexplicably took against the Ghostbusters and their valuable work!

Brilliant. I've been trying to think of this for ages.

I subtly feel around my pocket for my phone, keeping a close eye on my friend. I have to time this right. I could just write 'EPA'. That would do it. That would mean that Colin knew I knew. But every time I lay my hands on my phone, my friend looks up at me, or raises his voice slightly in desperate anger at the injustice of his situation, and I have to pretend I was scratching.

Colin has been sending me questions about Ghostbusters all day. But not just Ghostbusters ... Ghostbusters 2, as well. In my important position as one of Britain's least-known television personalities, sometimes I am asked to appear on TV shows in the name of charity. This time it's Celebrity Mastermind. When the researcher phoned up to ask me what my specialist chosen subject would be, I selected Ghostbusters. He told me that the other contestants were doing the French Revolution, the life and times of Tristram Shandy, and the history of Palestine. I thought about it, and then said I'd stick with Ghostbusters.

My phone vibrates again. Gah. That was probably Colin, mocking me because I didn't know that Walter Peck represented the EPA.

My friend looks up.

'You can get that if you like,' he says.

'No!' I say, loudly. 'It is important that we talk this out. That can wait.'

I feel quite proud of myself. Maybe I am a good listener. I wave my friend on, like a magnanimous king. He begins to talk. I look at my phone.

'Actually, I should just probably check it,' I say.

I stand up and move away. It's a text from Colin.

'What would happen if you crossed the streams?' it says.

I knew this. But what was the phrase? The specific phrase?

'First of all,' I write. 'Walter Peck was from the EPA.'

I smile to myself. It is good being cool.

I sit back down.

'Anyway, like I say, that's my take on it,' says my friend. 'But there's always option B ...'

'That's true,' I say, kindly. 'Option B.'

'So what's your conclusion?'

Um ...

'Well ... what's your conclusion?'

'I've just told you my conclusion. For, like, forty minutes.'

Right. This would take skill.

'Well, I think that you're right, and she's wrong,' I say. 'I think that relationships are like tricky onions. You can peel away the layers through analysing them, but if you peel too many away, eventually you're left with nothing. And also, relationships can make you cry, like onions can.'