'It's a pretty easy part,' he says. 'It could have been written for you. I think my advice is, just be yourself.'

I nod, eagerly, and he hands me a wad of paper. A script!

'There's a page near the front which explains the characteristics we're after,' he says, and he leaves as I sit down with a coffee to prepare.

This is exciting, I think, opening the document. Welcome to the world of the thespian! Welcome to life ... as an actor.

And then I read the list of character traits. The list of traits which I - out of 60 million people - have been specially selected to personify.

And then I frown. And I read them again.

Awkward. Nerdy. Lonely. Intense. Contrary.

Eh?

I think back to the man's words.

'It could have been written for you ... one part you'd be perfect for ... just be yourself...'

I balk slightly. Is this man saying I am awkward, nerdy, lonely, intense and contrary? Or merely that I seem awkward, nerdy, lonely, intense and contrary?

I suddenly feel quite awkward, and all alone in the world. But then I realise I'm obsessing over the list too much, so decide to fully concentrate instead on learning my lines.

Like a nerd.

Like a lonely, intense, awkward nerd.

Oh my God. He is right.

'Ready for you now, Dan,' says the man, poking his head round the door. I stand, and attempt to pick up my bag and fling the strap over my head in one sweeping movement, but the strap catches my glasses and I say 'Ow' loudly.

The man smiles and leans against the doorframe as I sort myself out. The smile annoys me. He clearly thought that was both awkward and nerdy.

I decide to use my 'cool' walk to get me across the room - the one I use when I'm walking towards groups of youths to make them think I'm probably quite tough and thinking about Kanye or punching bears instead of worrying about getting mugged - but by the time I've instigated it I'm already at the door, so I abandon it, which just looks odd.

'Danny, this is Peter,' says the first man, and I shake hands with Peter. I catch him checking out what I'm wearing. It's a cardigan. Christ, I'm playing right into these people's hands.

'OK, so in your own time, please ...' says Peter, and I begin to read my lines. But as I do, I realise something. I am not performing the words in the way they want. I am not doing them in a nerdy, awkward way. I am doing them in what I imagine is a hip, happening way. I am doing them in precisely the opposite way they want. So incensed am I by being branded awkward, lonely, nerdy, intense and contrary that I would rather not get this part than have them think I am any of those things.