‘Look at the social spiders – this is their house,’ he says, pointing to a big wobbly mess of spider silk, clumped together like a mass of ripped-up plastic. ‘They are amongst the most unusual spiders in the world. They live together, and even bring up their young together.’ We stand looking through the glass into their ‘house’. A palpitating mass of spongy bodies writhing together.

‘Onwards and forwards,’ the zookeeper says with a cheery smile, walking us past a display bathroom. A big black hairy spider appears from the plughole. The sort I most particularly hate.

‘Harry, please stay with your mum for a few minutes. I need some fresh air.’

I rush through the rest of the exhibit and step outside. I breathe deeply. Inhale. Exhale. Fresh air as exquisite as the best champagne. After a while Saffron, Harry and Ben join me.

‘We’ve seen all the spiders now. We’re off to see the rest of the reptile house. Please, please come with us.’

Snakes, crocodiles, lizards. Exotic creatures with scaly skin and cold dead eyes. Flashing forked tongues that smell of poison and devilry. Flashing forked tongues that make me tremble inside.

The boys love them. ‘Mummy, mummy, can we have them as pets? A snake and a lizard?’

‘No way. Hayley would leave us if we frightened her with a scaly pet, and we don’t want that, do we?’

‘No, Mummy.’ They stand looking up at Saffron, shaking their heads.

‘Come on,’ I say, keen to leave this area. ‘Let’s go to the gorilla house.’

Gorilla Kingdom is a colony of six western lowland gorillas. A father, mother and four offspring. So hauntingly like humans, with the mother and father caring and children playing.

‘This type of gorilla is critically endangered in the wild,’ Saffron reads from the brochure.

As we step away, Harry trips and grazes his knee. Saffron wraps her arms around him and hugs him as tears stream down his cheeks.

‘Kiss it better, Mummy, please.’

She kneels down and kisses his bleeding knee, so, so, gently. One touch from her lips and he feels better. His tears dry instantly. He beams a sunny smile at her and skips off to join Harry, who is standing engrossed by the tiger enclosure.

How can Saffron possibly be a woman who could hurt her children? All I ever see is love.

90

Caprice

‘Granny,’ Harry says.

‘Don’t call me that,’ I tell him for the millionth time. My younger grandson has the memory of a goldfish.

‘Sorry.’ He pauses. ‘Why have you got a dog cage? Are we getting a puppy?’

‘No. We’re playing a game.’

‘What is it, Caprice?’ my elder grandson wants to know.

‘You both take your clothes off, get in the cage, and then pretend to cry. The one who cries the most wins the prize.’

‘What’s the prize?’ they ask, almost in unison.