I sink into bed after drinking a pint of water and a large cup of hot chocolate. Red silk engulfs me. I pull my koala towards me, hold it against my naked body and wish it was you, Miles. Then my body stiffens, leaden with guilt for admiring you so much when Saffron is so kind to me. For using Jono for company, when all he will ever be to me is a stopgap. I know I wouldn’t feel like that if I was with a man like you, Miles. If I was with a man like you, it would be a forever thing. Maybe, one day, I’ll find someone to love.

22

Saffron

Returning from my trip to visit Julie, I step inside the house. It’s quiet. Too quiet. And I know Miles isn’t home. There’s no jazz blaring from the radio; his Saturday night favourite. No aroma of curry to tantalise me. No whistling as he potters around the house.

I leave my coat and handbag in the hallway and step into the kitchen. You are hovering by the kettle.

You turn to me. ‘Busy day, dear?’

Dear, with your usual weird emphasis. I know you don’t hold me dear.

‘Yep,’ I reply.

That’s all I’m telling you. I wish you would fuck off back to the annexe at the side of the house. Do you remember? The annexe where you’re supposed to live. Carefully agreed before you moved in.

‘Where’s Miles?’ I ask.

You purse your lips. You blink. ‘He went to the gym. He needed to relax after a busy day with the children. They are in bed, by the way.’

Emphasis on by the way. Be careful, Caprice.

‘I paid Hayley to look after them, so that Miles could have a rest,’ I tell you as I pour myself a stiff G&T.

You give me your critical smile. The one you save for me. ‘But he wanted to spend time with them. So I gave her the day off.’

‘So which is it, he wanted to spend time with them, or he needed a rest?’ I find myself snapping.

Your smile increases. You like it when I snap. You enjoy reporting my misdemeanours to your beloved Miles. I ought to try and control myself. Not allow you to rile me. It’s just, with all this Julie business, I’ve really had enough.

Even though what I really want to say is Fuck off and get out of my kitchen, I manage to ask, ‘What are you up to this evening?’

‘I’m going to have a quiet evening in my bedroom, and watch a film.’

Well then fuck off to do it quickly, I want to retort. I want my home to myself. Without you, Caprice.