I want to storm out of the bedroom and slam the door. I want to go and see Aiden and smash his face. What is happening to me? I used to be a pacifist. I have only ever hit anyone once in my whole life: my brother, when he kissed you. And now I am imagining the sound of his nose cracking. The stench of his blood. I push my violent desire away, take a deep breath to calm myself, and stand watching you.

‘I can’t deal with this. I can’t deal with anything right now.’ You roll over in bed, put your head in the pillow and weep. ‘You don’t understand,’ you whimper between sobs.

‘What is there to understand?’ I ask.

You pull your head from the bed, sit up and glare at me. ‘Just how much Aiden comes on to me. Just how often I have to push him away.’

My stomach tightens. Anger builds inside me again. ‘So you push him away by holding his hand?’

‘I was begging him to stop.’

‘Funny way of doing that.’

You get off the bed and walk towards me. ‘I was begging him to stop and I’m begging you to believe me.’

You push your eyes into mine. Sadder than sad. I soften inside. You stand in front of me, with your perfect tear-stained face. I pull you towards me and put my arms around you. Your body melts into mine. You smell of rose and vanilla. Our lips meet. I believe you. I have to believe you. I have no choice. I don’t ever want to lose you. I believe you and forgive you once again.

131

Caprice

I feel discord in the house. It rises from your bedroom into the eaves. It floats on the airwaves and makes me feel happy.

You and Miles are both shouting. Saffron, you deserve my son’s animosity. You never had the perfect relationship, did you? Not like Rupert and me. Rupert, with his strong, wavy copper hair and cheeky smile. He had kindness in his soul, and kindness in his eyes. I was his shining star, his muse, his angel. We kissed every night before we went to sleep. Every morning he told me he loved me. We never had a cross word. Ever.

After one of your tirades, I mentioned this to you, Saffron. You put your head back and laughed. With your sharp pointy nose and razor-blade cheekbones, you looked like a hyena.

‘You need arguments in a relationship. It’s an important part of standing your ground, listening to each other and communicating. If you never have a cross word it must be because you don’t care about each other enough.’