Good. Good. The seeds of envy that I planted are putting down some roots at last.

34

Miles

‘I don’t want you near me. Get out. Leave me alone.’

Your shoulders fall. Your face diminishes. ‘I love you, Miles. More than anything in the world. Please forgive me. Please tell me we can move on from this.’

Part of me wants to hold you and say, Yes. Of course we can move through this. We love each other more than anything. And that means we can get through anything together. But I can’t. My body and my mind ache with your betrayal.

‘I’m not sure I can ever forgive you. Please leave me alone. Please do as I ask.’

You turn away from me, and leave the room fighting for breath between sobs.

I try to close my mind to your crying. I shower, dress in the same clothes that I wore yesterday so as not to go anywhere near our bedroom. I go downstairs to say goodbye to our children. They are in the kitchen, eating chocolate croissants, with Hayley. How could you do this to them? To our family? Barely aware of where I am, I drive to work like an automaton.

In my office, I try to read an article on moral philosophy. The words on the page vibrate in front of me. The edges of the letters become blurred. All I can think of is you. The day I first saw you, in a tutorial. Your face turned towards me. I had never seen anyone so beautiful. As soon as I saw you I wanted you, with a longing and a passion I had not known before.

On our wedding day, my heart soared with happiness, as I watched you walk towards me wrapped in creamy silk. Your perfect sculptured face smiling into mine as you lifted your veil. Aiden stood beside me, my best man.

Aiden.

I want to punch him again. Pulverise his face.

I put my head in my hands and try and contemplate my life without you, Saffron. That thought makes the pain I’m suffering intensify. I try and imagine who I have ever met who might have made me happier. And the truth is there is no one. There never has been anyone else for me. Whatever has happened between us, I need you. Whatever happens between us, that will always be the case.

35

Saffron

I cannot go to the office. I feel too low to go anywhere today. My life is over. I wish I was dead. I wish I had the courage to kill myself. Feeling as low as this is dangerous. The only safe thing for me to do is stay at home, in bed.

My mobile rings. I do not want to pick up, but when I see it’s Ted I force myself.