We meander into the playroom and switch on the TV. The film begins to play. Po, the lead character, is a cartoon panda, fat and ugly with a harsh American accent. The pandas eat noodles and crack obvious American jokes. It’s so boring I wish I could fall asleep. But the oblivion of sleep doesn’t release me. Where’s Hayley? Why isn’t she home yet? Saffron has texted. She’s stuck at work, preparing a sample portfolio for a prospective client.

Mother and I suffer to the end of the film, bath the boys, and put them to bed. She slips off to her room to relax. I look at my watch: 9 p.m. If Hayley is out for the evening she won’t be back for hours. Neither will Saffron. I’m bored. I don’t know what to do with myself. I want to fast-forward time, speak to Hayley, speak to Saffron, have a good night’s sleep and go to college refreshed tomorrow morning. Back to normal. To get on with my work.

At last, a key turns in the front door. I step into the hallway. It’s Hayley, wearing a miniskirt and razorblade heels.

‘Good evening.’

‘Good evening,’ she replies, embarrassed, eyes on the ground.

‘Can we talk?’ I ask.

She nods her head.

‘In the kitchen?’

She leads the way. We stand face to face by the kettle.

‘I’ve been thinking …’ I begin. ‘You’re right. You are a very good nanny. I’m sorry if I’ve misled you, or confused you in any way. You must stay.’

68

Hayley

‘You must stay.’

I exhale with relief. I put my arms around you and hug you. Then I pull back.

‘Sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.’

‘Just make sure it doesn’t happen again,’ you say, voice and eyes sharp.

69

Saffron

I return from work late, padding across the hallway, towards the kitchen, to make a vegan snack. There’ll be some spinach and butternut soup left from supper. And some pomegranate, hazelnut and asparagus salad. I’m not really hungry. But I know I’m worrying so much about BPC that I’m losing weight. I was skinny anyway, so I must force myself to eat. I open the kitchen door.

Hayley and Miles are hugging, in the corner by the kettle. Entwined together like lovelorn teenagers.

Anger ricochets through my body. I close the kitchen door and creep away, upstairs to our bedroom. I can’t bear to see my husband touching someone else like that. Now I know how he must have felt when he caught me kissing Aiden. I undress, clean my teeth and slip between our Egyptian cotton sheets, waiting for him to join me. We need a serious talk.

Half an hour later Miles enters the room. I sit up and snap the light on.