We sit in silence. After a while I cut through it. ‘I’m a bit stressed that Saffron won’t let me visit her.’

Hayley shrugs. ‘I expect she just wants to see Miles.’

Miles. Miles. Miles. Everyone’s favourite. Fucking Miles. My stomach coagulates with envy.

‘What about the children? Haven’t they been to see her?’ I ask, voice bristling.

‘No. She misses them like mad, but she doesn’t want them to see her in there. Maybe she feels the same about you. She would find it upsetting for you to see her in such a degrading environment.’

She leans across and puts her hand on my arm. ‘I’ve told you before, I am sure she has feelings for you.’

My heart pulses with anger at the trouble she has caused me. I know she is wrong this time. ‘Every time I’ve approached her she’s pushed me away,’ I insist in a stony voice.

She smiles condescendingly. It annoys me. ‘Watch a few romantic films on Netflix. The heroine always pushes her lover away to begin with. It’s part of the game.’ She pauses. ‘Trust me.’

Trust her? How can I?

Her mobile phone rings. She picks up and listens, head on one side. ‘OK, OK, I’ll come and have a look right away.’

She ends the call and stands up. ‘I’ve just got to go and speak to the gardener. He’s worried about the crab apple tree. He thinks it has a fungal disease.’

‘Hayley Smith, mistress of the house.’

‘One day, perhaps.’ She smiles. ‘I won’t be long with the gardener. Make yourself at home, while I make sure he does everything I want. He’s a good worker as long as I keep an eye on him.’

One day perhaps? What does she mean? Is she making progress with Miles? Is that what trying to stitch me up with Saffron is all about? To make Miles mistrust Saffron again? To give her more of a chance?

She steps through the back door. I stand up and watch her through the kitchen window, marching down the pathway past the tennis court and the swimming pool. Towards my mother’s beloved back garden, which I know will be at its best this time of year. Mother was more interested in her garden than she was in me. Now she has gone I know it’s over. I will never be able to please her, to impress her. I feel angry. I feel disappointed. I always imagined we would be closer by the time she passed.

I turn my head. My eyes rest on Hayley’s diary. I pick it up and flick through it. She has written about me and I do not like what I read.

158

Saffron