‘Anna?’ An elderly lady I don’t recognize stands before me, a much younger man at her side. ‘I… I just wanted to say…’ Her opaque eyes fill with tears, and then I know.

‘You were on the yacht.’ She was the one who Adam had tried to save.

‘I’m so sorry.’ She waits for me to speak. I don’t. I can’t.

‘I know it’s no consolation,’ the man speaks now, ‘but Grandma is the heart of our family. We’d all be lost without her. I’m so sorry about your husband. Adam. But we’re all very grateful to him. If he hadn’t noticed Grandma had been left behind and gone back to rescue her, no one might have noticed she was stuck. He was a brave man. A good man.’

What can I do but agree with him? Adam was a good man. The best. Hating the old woman who shakes in front of me won’t bring him back.

‘He would be happy to know you are okay.’ I touch her briefly on the arm before I walk away.

Nell thrusts a gin and tonic into my hand. I take a long drink, wanting the warm bloom of alcohol to numb me. On the bar a TV displays a slideshow of pictures of Adam. Most of the photos are Adam as an adult. I had asked his mum to email some baby ones but she said it was too painful for her to look through them.

‘You don’t know how awful it is to lose a child,’ she had said. Memories of Harry rendered me mute and I cut the call.

The smell of him.

The feel of him.

‘Are we okay to bring the food out?’ the landlady asks me and I nod, not caring either way. Knowing my knotted stomach won’t let me eat.

A plate of towering sausage rolls is placed on a trestle table, warm meat and flaky pastry. My eyes meet Josh’s. I know he has chosen the menu carefully.

‘I’d like to name our son after Harry, my grandfather,’ I had said to Adam.

‘I’d like to name him Gregg,’ Adam had replied.

‘Is he a relation?’ Adam never talked much about his family.

‘No, but he makes a bloody good pastry,’ Adam had grinned.

Bowls of Twiglets next.

I can hear Adam’s voice, ‘Sticks of marmite, I’m in actual heaven.’

Slices of pizza laden with greasy pepperoni and stringy cheese.

‘I can’t wait for Italy; the food alone will be spectacular.’

A trifle sprinkled with hundreds and thousands.

‘Proper English food that I’ll miss when I travel the world.’