My tears are hot, I gulp them back down. I’ll be strong for Adam the way I am strong for my mum. Eva studies me for a moment, waiting for me to say something else, but I don’t.

‘Let’s talk about your relationship with Adam.’

‘What about us?’ I pick up my water, feeling anxious.

‘Did you meet him after your dad died or before?’

‘After. I’d just come out of a broken engagement.’

‘I see.’ Eva scribbles down a note.

‘My ex-fiancé and I weren’t right for each other. It was good we found out before we got married. He put me down a lot. He wasn’t a kind man.’

‘Is it fair to say your self-esteem was low when you met Adam?’

‘I guess so.’ I remember running into the sea, trying to hide my body.

‘How would you describe your relationship?’

‘Amazing.’ Did that sound fake?

She holds the silence until I break it. ‘We have our ups and downs, of course, all couples do, don’t they?’ Still, she doesn’t speak. What does she want me to say? ‘We’d been having some problems.’ I look at my hands.

‘Tell me about them.’

‘We’d been trying for a baby for a long time. It created a bit of a wedge between us.’ I pick at my nails. ‘A lot of a wedge.’

‘In what way?’

‘He’s never said anything but I think he blamed me.’

‘You think?’

‘We don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about much anymore.’

‘Why not?’

I take another drink. Wishing I could wash away the image of us lying on the beach when we met. My leg hooked over his. His thumb stroking mine. The way we opened up to each other.

‘I think… I think I love him so much it was unbearable to think I’d let him down. I didn’t want to hear him say it.’

‘But you don’t know how he feels?’

‘No. But he doesn’t have to say; I can tell by the way he forgets to do things I ask him to or accuses me of nagging if I ask when he’s going to do some DIY. I’m trying to create a home and he doesn’t seem to care. The books are stacked on the floor when he could easily build the bookcase and…’ I stop. Suddenly feeling a sickness deep in the pit of my stomach. Adam could be dying and I’m complaining he doesn’t do enough around the house.

Eva gives me a moment to compose myself. ‘Does Adam ever indicate that he wants to talk?’

I shake my head.

‘Why do you think that is, Anna?’

Because he doesn’t care.

Because he doesn’t care enough.