Annie rubbed some gel on the Doppler and then placed it on my bump.

‘Hold that in place whilst I get these things on.’ I placed my hand over the alien contraption whilst Annie began arranging the headphones over her own ears.

‘Aren’t those supposed to be for me?’ I wasn’t sure I had said the words. It didn’t feel like I had enough strength in me to say them. I looked at Annie getting the headphones arranged neatly over her ears. She pulled one foam earpiece away.

‘What’s that, dear?’

‘I… erm… shouldn’t I hear the baby first?’ I repeated.

‘Well, yes, dear, let me just get this thing going…’ Annie began pressing buttons on the Doppler and moving it around my taut stomach. ‘Then we can… oh right, that was easy, oh yes, that’s it… oh…’ Annie sat in front of me on the bed. She was sitting very still, completely in her own world, listening intently. I too sat quietly, not wanting to interrupt what seemed like a poignant and precious moment. I ignored the stirring pang that was suddenly there. A want, a need to hear what was alive inside me. A few minutes later, Annie pulled the headphones from her ears and let them sit around her neck.

‘Well, that was… lovely.’ Annie sat still for a few moments.

‘Did it remind you of Ben?’

‘What? Oh yes, it’s so delightful to hear your baby’s heartbeat for the first time, there’s nothing like it. Here, here.’ She pulled off the headphones. ‘You try.’

She placed them on my ears.

‘I can’t hear anything,’ I said, not even aware of the level of my own voice.

‘Hang on a minute.’ Annie moved the Doppler about. ‘Little rascal is on the move.’ A loud echoing punching sound was suddenly in my ears. With the noises of the room completely shut out, I felt as though I were in the womb myself. I closed my eyes and imagined a small warm cosy space, where the baby was cuddled. I too wanted to be transported there, to feel safe and unconscious. I was being lulled by the heartbeat into a state of meditation. I felt suddenly calm. I had completely forgotten where I was. I didn’t know I was crying until there was a salty taste in my mouth. Suddenly the headphones were being pulled off my ears and I was catapulted back to stark reality of the bedroom. Annie was standing over me taking the Doppler from my stomach.

‘Right that’s enough for today. I read you shouldn’t do it too often either, something to do with radiation.’

‘Radiation?’ I wiped the tears away and pulled my T-shirt back down and shuffled my body back up the bed.

‘Well yes, Daisy, of course this is all unnatural materials. Didn’t have this in my day. Got to be careful.’

Annie was packing the monitor away in the box.

‘So how did you hear the heartbeat?’

‘What?’ Annie snapped and spun back around to look at me.