Besides, I was not entirely sure how I would have made it out of the house and have actual conversations with people. I had long forgotten what it was like to be functioning at a reasonable level. Didn’t I have a life? A job? I couldn’t remember what it felt like, I couldn’t place those feelings again, the feeling of just being, without this weight of doubt and worry in the pit of my stomach. Suddenly my attention was drawn to a ticking sound in the room. I looked at the bedside table. There was a large round clock with a black base and a white face. It was just there. Had I noticed that before? I wasn’t sure I had. It looked familiar yet completely alien.

My mind raced backwards and forwards to what I could see now out of the window, the ticking of the clock and the last day I saw Ben. I couldn’t even remember what I had said to him now. I could see that clock face plain as day but I could not remember what Ben looked like. I had several photos of him in my phone but the task of going into the photos folders and scrolling through images filled me with dread. A mundane task which usually would require no thought suddenly seemed arduous and terrifying.

I just knew that this was all my fault. Everything that had happened to Eve, the reason Ben wasn’t here, it was all down to me.

The fragility of life was suddenly weighing down upon me. Something I had taken for granted, something I had rarely thought about, was now apparent. I was very conscious and aware of living. I could hear and feel the breath in my chest. It felt laboured and obvious.

Standing in this room, breathing, looking but not seeing, hearing the clock’s heavy ticking. Those words, still falling about my mind:

Topsy-turvy.

Topsy-turvy.

Topsy—

‘Daisy! What are you doing standing there? You should have flung that window open by now, it’s so hot in here.’

I turned and saw Annie standing there in all her glory. Keen and excited for another day preparing herself for becoming a grandmother.

‘Did I have breakfast?’ I asked in a monotonous voice that didn’t sound like me.

‘No, not yet. I’m going to make you a sandwich and fruit. It’s almost lunchtime. I just thought I would come and show you this!’ She practically fell towards me with excitement. I stepped back slightly, feeling threatened by the energy.

‘Look!’ Annie thrust a white machine towards my face.

‘It’s so we can hear the baby’s heartbeat! Would you look at that? It just arrived.’ I looked at the contraption in Annie’s hand. I was suddenly filled with dread. Was I ready to hear the heartbeat? I was feeling the kicks daily but to hear him or her would clarify it further. That I was to become a mother. A mother I failed at being the first time. I wasn’t sure if I was ready.