Luci, who was very well acquainted with roaches—the building was infested with them—immediately scuttled off, her little nose working overtime. She made a beeline for the TV cabinet, and I watched in inebriated satisfaction, massaging the sore spot on my hip.

“This is decidedly not the throbbing bump I’d planned to rub tonight,” I grumbled to the Devious Devil and his nubile wench. They didn’t bother to answer.

A hiss erupted from under the TV cabinet, and two filthy little roaches scuttled out, Luci bursting out behind them. I yelped, jumped onto the sofa, and somehow landed face-first in the cushions.

I squealed at a tickling feeling on my leg. “Eww! Are the roaches on me?” I cried into the pillow. I wasn’t about to put my head up to look. “Luci, get them!”

Something nearby clattered to the floor, and Luci’s claws dug into my leg. I shrieked, and she was gone, scratching her way up the back of the sofa. But at least the cockroaches weren’t on me anymore.

“Tell me when you’ve eaten them, please!” I begged, huddled in my safe place.

Hissing, scratching little ferret claws on hardwood floor, and … something smashing.

“What is going on?” I demanded, swallowing back my roachophobia and rolling onto my back. My eyes went wide at the chaos. Luci was at the door, the decorative vase that I’d bought from Humphrey last markets lying in brightly coloured shards all around her.

She was scrabbling frantically at the gap under the door, dooking like crazy.

“Oh, Lulu, did the roaches escape? Filthy little moving ferret dinners! How dare they deny my baby her special treat!”

I slid off the lounge, intending to get Luci a ferret treat to placate her. My foot squelched into something slimy.

“Eww!” I wailed, peering down at the upended remnants of my satay prawn noodles, where they oozed out around my foot. “For crying out loud, can this night get any worse?”

* * *

Cleaning up the mess of noodles and vase shards completely stole my buzz. Luckily, my cask of wine was still plenty full, so I set to regaining that nice, numb state I’d been in before the prawn/roach/ferret incident.

I was on my third glass in quick succession when my phone lit up.

Ezra: You ok if I don’t come home tonight?

I set it down, not trusting myself to reply straight away. Instead, I downed the rest of my wine and pinched the bridge of my nose. My phone buzzed again.

Ezra: Things are going great with HP

Ezra: That’s Humphrey Prince, not Hottie Potter, just FYI

Ezra: He’s PERFECT!

Ezra: He wants me to come to his for ‘coffee’ *winky face emoji*

Ezra: But I’ll totes come home if you need me …

I refused to let myself answer that honestly.